should I do it
As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
Today at work I thought about how much I miss my husband. He left 2 weeks ago and he will be back in 6 weeks. While he was here I was so sick of him by tthe last week but NOW I am so lonely for him. I feel jiped because he never is lonely. HE always has someone. Yes I know he misses whoever he is not with at the time but for him he is never lonely. I dont think that is fair. I mean we have to go 2 months at a time with out him. NO lovin, no companionship, no snuggling, no NOTHING; all I get is instant messenger messages. A little yellow smiley face blowing me a kiss does not do it for me when i want the real thing. So now we are talkign about him possible bringing her here to stay with me. HUMMMMMM???????
There are some advantages and many disadvantages. While we will have seperate rooms and hers will not be connected to the house so we will not be hear any hanky panky. The fact is she will still be here in my home. I will have to look at her and see him look at her........YUCK!!! they are newly weds and I can only imagine what kind of in love looks they give each other. Am I strong enough to deal with this. I DO NOT KNOW.
I would love to have my husband closer to me, right now he is in Egypt. I would love to see him more often. I would love to be able to get at him when i need to. Make love to him on a regular basis. But is all of that worth the pain I know I will feel if I allow her to move into my home.
I do not know how she feels about moving here and I have no idea what dhe thinks about anythign really. I wonder why she married him sometimes. I dontthink when i was her age I would have even considered being someone second wife. I guess it is all what you are used to and what you can deal with. I think she is stronger than I am. I think being in a marriage where she has to share her husband does not bother her as much as it does me. My wali told me she was not very attractive and if my husband didnt marry her no one would have. I know that sounds horrible and i know he should not have said that but I have to admit it made me feel alot better. I dont know why misery loves company and why people sometimes get pleasure out of others pain. I try to raise above this but I had to be honest.
Anyway back to my problem! I am honestly at a lost. I do not know what to do. One thing I do know is this; If she comes here she has to work. NO WAY is she goignt o stay home and be suzzzzzy house wife while i work hard all day. NO WAY is she going to sit at home and enjoy the company of our husband while i am at work. NO WAY at all!!! I love my life here. I have a live in maid. I have a car, I have a nice Villa, My kids are doing well here, we have beautiful parks. I have a job I like most times. I do not know if I want to share any of that. I mean I know want for your sister what you want for yourself. BUT WHY!!! I worked for this and she just comes in and get it for free............SORRY!!!!!!! I DONT THINK SO!!!!! She will have to work at least part time. I think that will be fair. In Egypt she has to cook and clean, wash clothes with a crappy machine and do alot of things that I dont do. Why should she get to take it easy on my expense.
Am I being selfish!!!!!!!!!! If so please let me know. I do not want to be some cold hearted woman But i do not want to be used either.
Today at work I thought about how much I miss my husband. He left 2 weeks ago and he will be back in 6 weeks. While he was here I was so sick of him by tthe last week but NOW I am so lonely for him. I feel jiped because he never is lonely. HE always has someone. Yes I know he misses whoever he is not with at the time but for him he is never lonely. I dont think that is fair. I mean we have to go 2 months at a time with out him. NO lovin, no companionship, no snuggling, no NOTHING; all I get is instant messenger messages. A little yellow smiley face blowing me a kiss does not do it for me when i want the real thing. So now we are talkign about him possible bringing her here to stay with me. HUMMMMMM???????
There are some advantages and many disadvantages. While we will have seperate rooms and hers will not be connected to the house so we will not be hear any hanky panky. The fact is she will still be here in my home. I will have to look at her and see him look at her........YUCK!!! they are newly weds and I can only imagine what kind of in love looks they give each other. Am I strong enough to deal with this. I DO NOT KNOW.
I would love to have my husband closer to me, right now he is in Egypt. I would love to see him more often. I would love to be able to get at him when i need to. Make love to him on a regular basis. But is all of that worth the pain I know I will feel if I allow her to move into my home.
I do not know how she feels about moving here and I have no idea what dhe thinks about anythign really. I wonder why she married him sometimes. I dontthink when i was her age I would have even considered being someone second wife. I guess it is all what you are used to and what you can deal with. I think she is stronger than I am. I think being in a marriage where she has to share her husband does not bother her as much as it does me. My wali told me she was not very attractive and if my husband didnt marry her no one would have. I know that sounds horrible and i know he should not have said that but I have to admit it made me feel alot better. I dont know why misery loves company and why people sometimes get pleasure out of others pain. I try to raise above this but I had to be honest.
Anyway back to my problem! I am honestly at a lost. I do not know what to do. One thing I do know is this; If she comes here she has to work. NO WAY is she goignt o stay home and be suzzzzzy house wife while i work hard all day. NO WAY is she going to sit at home and enjoy the company of our husband while i am at work. NO WAY at all!!! I love my life here. I have a live in maid. I have a car, I have a nice Villa, My kids are doing well here, we have beautiful parks. I have a job I like most times. I do not know if I want to share any of that. I mean I know want for your sister what you want for yourself. BUT WHY!!! I worked for this and she just comes in and get it for free............SORRY!!!!!!! I DONT THINK SO!!!!! She will have to work at least part time. I think that will be fair. In Egypt she has to cook and clean, wash clothes with a crappy machine and do alot of things that I dont do. Why should she get to take it easy on my expense.
Am I being selfish!!!!!!!!!! If so please let me know. I do not want to be some cold hearted woman But i do not want to be used either.
posted by Livin_life_and loving_it @ 4:06 PM
5 Comments:
At 6:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
'My wali told me she was not very attractive and if my husband didnt marry her no one would have.' Now that is funny...harsh...but funny...Maybe they won't give each other lovey dovey looks cuz she is not good looking. Who knows? For me I couldn't do it. I love my co-wife but being in the same house would make me want to kill her.....
BTW how are you? I have not heard from you since you left. Its nice to see you back.
At 8:27 PM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
Im good thanks for asking..How are you and your kids ???.....Yes it was harsh. I know my husband and he could care less how she looks...He wanted a wife that is all, short, fat , tall, skinny, cute , ugly , he will take them all........
At 11:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Asalamlayakom,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Safa tells me you are a gem.
May Allah give you patience, sis. The things you are dealing with are never-ending. I just couldn't keep hearing the new stuff to deal with any more. I just wanted to know where the end of the list was, so I could sign. But the dang list kept growing every time I said I would sign! So, I didn't continue with the co-wife idea, since the list of expectations never stopped.
Is she stronger than you? Nope. Don't even think it. She just hasn't heard the whole list yet. ;)
At 3:50 AM,
Jannah said…
livin life,
I've just come here, but I just wanted to ask...
why would husbands who are in a stable steady family want 2nd wives that they haven't even met yet? I mean I have heard alot about men stumbling in 2nd marriages but that happens after they work with this 2nd woman and ekhtelat happens... and instead of doing sth haram, he marries her and she becomes his 2nd wife.
But just wanting a 2nd wife is what I can't understand.
My dad's friend, a sheikh, white hair, white beard, almost 60, has been looking for a 2nd wife for 5 months now. His wife is 50, so she isn't that old. She us looking for this other wife FOR him... which is also something very confusing to me. I'm thinking maybe she's sick of his sharp nervous nature, and this is her chance to have her free time? I can't figure out any other explanation!
At 2:31 AM,
JamilaLighthouse said…
Dear Sister,
I understand your need to see your husband but I really wouldn't suggest living together yet. At least this way, you can protect yourself from their relationship. You may know your husband and how he acts, but you don't know her or if she would be able to cope with the situation. My suggestion would be to totally focus on yourself and your kids when your husband is away and do what you are already doing and ask Allah to help you with the loneliness. I think loneliness is easier to deal with than being constantly reminded of the other wife.
Why would you be supporting her? Your money is yours. She shouldn't have to work, your husband should support her, that is a pre-requisite for marrying again, he MUST be able to support her.
Personally I think most of the responsibilty for making polygyny work lies with the man. He needs to understand the insecurities and hurt it causes for women and help them deal with it. If he is understanding in this way, it can make all the difference.
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