As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

If I could say I love you

When I was younger I grew up in a family that was split. My mothers family were all Muslim. However, My dad had mostly Christians in his family. So, I had the best of both worlds durign the holidays.
I could go over my dads moms house and have a ball.SHE SPLOIED me rotten. I was the only girl in the family, she had 5 boys, and the first grand child.
So, I got evrything. I didnt get Christmas presents…..she wanted to respect my parents faith, but we did go shoppignt he day after chritmas…;) and stocked up on important things…..Like clothes, shoes, and the very important…..TOYS!!!
yeah all the things we got were christmas gifts but inmy head they were until I got older and figured out what she was really doing.
Anyway, I remember she would cook every year. I mean COOK…..OMG she would fix at least 7 cakes and pies, several breads, turkey, chicken, ham..never got to eat that…..and sometimes a roast….then there was the side dishes….yams, mac and cheese, greens, string beans, cranberry sauce, stuffing, mashed pototoes, and more. I am gettignhungry just thinking about it.
I wish for one day I could go back. Just to see all the peopel I cant see anymore. If I had known then what I know now……maybe I would have loved them more…showed them more…….and cherrished them a whole lot more.
I miss my grandmother…she was strong and loving….that is why when i had my first daughter there was no choice in her name…it had to be after her…..I wanted her to be like her in many ways……I wanted her to be strong and wise. i wanted her to love herself and family……I wanted her to have a sprit of truth about herself…..
My uncle thomas…..Gosh it is strange but I miss him the most…..I have not seen him in years..since i was 16, dont know if he is alive or dead….he walked away from his family the day he burried his mother…….I guess he forgot he had a niece that loved him and wanted so much to be a part of his life. I would have LOVED for him to see my kids or just have a phone conversation as an adult. My other Uncles are dull, the youngest and my dad spend ttheir lives trying to out do each other. i remember one yr we went to Disney and we spent a week, well I did, listening to them see who knew more or who had the most……”oh no ill pay for this..oh no i got this one……..did you know this was made i think your wrong really it was made in ..and by……becaue”…….oh i wanted to yell who the heck cares……we are in Florida and we are on vacation and this is suppose to be fun….I guess they stopped trying to out do each other and just figured out they are both full of sh**….My uncle was an alcoholic and cocaine user that ened up losing his family and dad……well he has been married too many times to count and lived so high on the hog that when he when he feel he ended up on my sofa for a yr….I could have said this is what u get for all they years you cheated your kids out of child support by sendingin FAKE tax returns ……saying you made $30,000 when you made over $100,000..and then didnt even pay ……or how about when you were so busy wining a dining your women you forgot birthdays and how abotu my PHONE NUMBER!!!! but i allowed himt o stay with me and I actually enjoyed him most time……..but that is a different story
then my other uncle the male whore turned christan has to save my soul…….nuff said i think..
so Thomas was the cool one. He would just have fun…..he took literally thousands of pictures of me. when my grand mom died they went throu her things and found trash bag full of photos……..that is how my dad devliverd them to me. in trash bags…….I guess that should have showed me how important I was to him them…….but that is a different story:)
anyway he would just pick me up and take me out and hang…..I learned later when i was older he was gay and depressed…..So what i thought……He was gay…does that make him less a family member…….No I do not believe in that lifestyle. But he is my uncle and I loved him. I wish I could have told him…….I wish I had a chance to spend another holiday with him……..he has to be in his late 60s now……If he is alive……AIDS took alot of gay men……..I hope he is not one of them…..and if he is I hope he didnt die alone.
so to my uncle Thomas…..Merry Merry!!!! and I do miss and LOVE YOU


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