As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Monday, February 26, 2007

This is a serious question. I am realy at a loss.

I am struggling with this co wife issue. Not having one. I have dealth with that. I guess. No I dont like having one. However, I dont want to be unmarried. I am a person that NEEDS to be married. I have too many strong urges not to be married. That is one of my big problems now I am seperated from my husband and do not get my needs met when I need them to be met. Not just sexuall but emotional as well.

I know I have mentiond this before but I need to put everything into focus.

we are all thinking about my husband briging his wife here to live with me in my home. One reason is UAE is every expensive. My husband cannot afford to live here. My husband can only afford to live where he lives. The only reason I can afford to live here is because my job gives me a living allowance. The rents here are unbeliebable. Anyway, I cannot move to Egypt becaue right now i am having some medical issues and do not trust the doctors there. I was sick there before and almost died in the hospital. I do not want to go thought that again. Here I have good insurance. If I get very sick I can go home to america and still be covered. I will have nothing in Egypt.
another reason is our house is not ready. Yes i could rent but that would take away from the money we are saving to build the house. When I go to Egypt I will not work and if I do it is all my money to do as I like.
We have an agreement right now that I will work until the place is built. Once the place is built I will have my own place in my name. I think this is a fair trade. I get a home of my own for 2 yrs of working.
oh just for information, No my husband does not work he does have money thoug. it is just not alot, but alhumduillah it is enough for Egypt. He was in an accident at his job, he got squished between a bus and a tow truck, and we live off the settlement.
Also to be honest I am not ready to move to egypt. I like it here and so do my kids. I am not too crazy about Egypt but I am willing to move there for my husband AFTER I get my medical issues under contol and AFTER the house is built.

Ok the thing is if they move here they will live with me. I am not sure if it is worth all of the pain. I know there are many women that live together and like it but there are many more that dont.

I do need my husband to be here with me. It is not just that i would like him here. I NEED him here. I have been having anxiety attackes and when he is here he helps me alot. When here is there I can call him he will get on line and talk me through them the other night he stayed on the net all night with me while I was sick until the meds kicked in. I mean as much as i complain about him he is a good man deep down we just have to work out the kinks and I have to fogive the big mistakes he made in the past.
Another thing is when I get sick I need him here. I was sick in December and he came here 3 days after I was in the hospital. that is along time when yur alone and scared. I do not want to die here alone. I do not want to die and my kids be here ina strange county alone.

ok back to the problem. i also need him here for support it is hard being here alone without a husband. I went through2 weeks of the kids beign sick and it took a toll on me. once everything went back to normal the anxiety attack kicked in. I cannot handle pressure anymore. So ineed him.
and agin me seeing him every 2 to 2 1/2 months is not good for me or his other wife. So being together will solve things.

the thing is what do i expect if she does come here.
Can i really deal with this? can she deal with this. She is young and is just happy to be married but I dont even think she knows what she is getting into. So i am thinking for both of us.

are there things I can do before they come like put rules into place so there are no issues before hand.if so what rules.
I need as much advice as I can get.
can any one please give me advice.


  • At 7:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yes sister you are right and the only solution to the problem is to let him and your co move there with you or to just be patient until your house get built Inshaa'Allah. You can try to sit down with your family and make up some rules that would be suitable for everyone. Also you all have to fear Allaah when moving into together and love for one another what you love for yourself. And always remember "don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to you". (meaning all the lil things you and hubby are use to doing, yall will have to do it secretly without hurting the other wife feelings) How big is your house? Does your co agree to live in the same dwelling as you? It has to be that the wives both agree to this. Oh course it isn't going to be easy. If you feel some type of way with the distances for sure it would be hard living under the same roof. So the advice I wanna give you my dear sister is to make istakhirra and put your trust in Allaah and correct your intention and be patient for verily Allaah is with the patient. Maybe you should try to build a relationship with your co now so if you all do decide to live together you can at least feel like you know her alittle bit. Ok I guess this is it for now.... Until next time....

  • At 8:17 AM, Blogger Safa said…

    Oh honey....ur stuck between a rock and a hard place. What a difficult thing to have to think about.

    Let me how long would they be staying with u? Are you going to be supporting everyone? If they are staying the two years while the house is being done, is ur hubby going to be travelling back to Egypt to check on things? Will he go alone? Plane tickets?

    Have you figured these things out? You probably have.......wish I could advise you......but I truly think u are more capable than I am.....masha Allah....

  • At 8:48 AM, Anonymous sophyie said…

    I can't help much on the decision whether or not the cowife should move in with you- simply because I could not stand my husband to live a relationship with another woman in front of my eyes.

    However, the one thing I'd like to comment on is your anxiety.
    You write that you need your husband because he helps you through the attacks. It is very nice that he does that. However, the only person who can overcome those anxieties is YOU.
    Reading this post, it sounds like there is a lot going on with you at the moment, and I can't stop wondering in what kind of care you are right now? Do you have a good doctor? What is the source of your anxiety? You should not have to depend on your husband to get through your attacks.
    In your situation, you should make very sure that you BY YOURSELF will be able to get through them.
    Be independent. Develop coping mechanisms. You yourself are the cure. Not your husband.

    Once you have overcome your anxiety your mind will be free and able to make a decision about pretty much everything else that's going on in your life.

    Best wishes- and good luck. It's hard, but doable. I know that.

    Take care.

  • At 2:57 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    Anxiety attacks are not something that can just be overcome. when I have them I have no contol over my body until the meds kickin. the whole time I feel like I am about to die.
    They really do not have anything to do with the stress you are having at that time. they can happen while you are sleep or driving anytime.
    The fact is when they happen it is scary for ME. I do not like to have them alone. Havign my husband here to help me through it Helps me because I am not alone an dit calms me. I dont think that is somethign strange or somethign that I should not want.

  • At 11:02 PM, Anonymous sophyie said…

    Oh I'm sorry if you misunderstood what I meant. I didn't mean it is bad to want somebody by your side when the attacks start.
    As I said: it's great that he can help you. But it seems like he is not there all the time and therefore not able to help you whenever you need it.
    That's why I think you need to develop other mechanisms that might help you go through an attack, especially when you're by yourself and your husband is not with you.

    Let me tell you a (short version) of my story: I've been dealing with severe anxiety attacks for the last 10 years. They started out of the blue and there was no real "trigger".
    As you wrote- total loss of control of your body and mind.

    I was in therapy for a long time and I was lucky, my therapist was great. Meds didn't do the trick, they just made me feel worse afterwards.
    As stupid as it might sound- over the years, we found ways for me to cope with attacks. I have a set pressure point on my hand I press when I feel an attack coming up and a set pattern of sentences I repeat over and over again. It's like meditation. This sounds trivial but took many years and hard work to accomplish.
    The combination of meditation, learning a lot about myself and how my body functions and great therapy got me to the point where I can nearly consider myself healed today. I still do have attacks flaming up every now and then, but I can handle.

    I realize every anxiety is different from the other and every person is different from the other-but it is possible to overcome anxiety!

    From the bottom of my heart I hope you will be able to find a way for you and your family.
    Best of luck.


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