I have been thinking today about how and why I am in the big "P". I remember being married to my husband maybe a month and looking at him and getting so sad I started to cry. He looked and me and asked what was wrong. I told him I know you will want another wife.I feel it. He hugged me and said why are you worrying about something that may never happen.

For some strange reason I knew this was going to be apart of my life. I new early on. At that time we were Islamicly married but not really married. We didn't live together. We were just getting to know each other. I Loved his personality. he was a charmer. He knew how to make me smile and we would laugh so much. He, at that time had been to Egypt and fell in love with it. During our first conversation after we decided we would get married we talked about moving there and spending the rest of our lives learning Arabic, Islam and raising the kids in a Muslim country.
I could not wait. I was so eager to spend the rest of with this man. He was soooooo different that my first husband. With my other husband he was sweet, kind, very predictable. I loved him very much I could depend on him, but I didn't not feel the way I felt for this man. From our first talk I knew I would love him. i knew we would be together.
His wife died and My husband died and we were there to support each other. No romantic stuff, no nothing. Just talks. We got married over the phone without even seeing each other. No picture no nothing; he and I both did not care what we looked like. we connected in a special way and we didn't want to let looks mess that up. so my step dad, who is a imam, married us. we did this so we could get to know each other and not worry about falling into anything not halal. we talked and talked and got to know each other.
There was a however, a part of him I didn't learn about until later. The part of him that LOVED WOMEN. I felt it from the beginning but never let my self KNOW. I Later found out that this weakness was the cause of alot of his problems. His first wife could not deal with it. He had tried the co wife thing with her but it was too hard on her. so he divorced the second wife. However, it did not stop him for seeking out women. Somehow they just seemed to "find ' him lol. Once i knew this about him I knew I would rather him be married then do things behind my back. We talked about this for a long time. I mean this is not a thing that just happened. this has been 4 years coming. we planned to get things together and move overseas then he would look for a wife there.
The thing is I read about this and really THOUGHT i was ready for it until he really started looking. It drove me crazy. I thought i was stronger. I thought it would be no big deal. I was wrong. My heart broke. My mind was cool but my heart just could not do it. The thing was it was not the sex with another woman. sex is sex, he will not do anything to her that he does not do to me. I didn't dwell on that too much. It was the falling in love. love is different for different people. I didn't want him to love her more. Not after I had been through so much to be with him. It was the things that were just for me was not for just me anymore. It was the romance we used to have. He used to make me candle light dinners, go to hotels just because and get the whirlpool tubs. He used to do alot of romantic things. I didn't want him to do those with anyone else. they were special to me.
So last yr when he married It was hard but I went to Jummah that day and all my pain left. I prayed and I swear it was ok in my heart. The thing is that marriage didn't last. I knew it wouldn't. She was a female him. Not anything what he has hope for and He was nothing what she dreamed of. she was bossy and was over 35 but acted like she was 19. This was not going t o work with him. He will not let an Egyptian woman boss him around. I know that may sound crazy but this is his logic. They are raised with the males being the dominate ones in the family. It does not matter who, uncle, father brother, they all are the boss of SOME of these women. They were not raise like people in American so he did not want a wife from Egypt with a bossy attitude. Well the thing was This woman was not raised like that. Yes her brothers and Uncles may have had say in things but Mama ran the show. Her mom bossed her dad. She thought this was the way things worked............NOT!!! so their marriage only lasted a few months. Then he married this one. She knew from day one what he was looking for. He did not make the mistake of thinking all Egyptian women wer the same. She agreed to all his demands. They married 2 weeks later. For some strange reason This marriage hurt. I don't know what it is I am still trying to find that out. But I think maybe it is because i think this will last. I know she will do all the things he asked for. She knew what she was getting. Maybe it is because the things he is looking for her to do I do not do. I will not do. So maybe i feel guilty. I don't know....
what I do know is this. I do love this man. I do want this marriage to work. Being a co wife is hard. Marriage is hard. I know I can do this if I put in the effort...... The thing is I am so tired. I am just wore out. This has been a hard year. I do not know if I have it in me.
I know now still in my head and not my heart. that Our relationship is very different. What he gets from me he does not get from her. What he gets from her he does not get from me. I know that in my HEAD. My my heart still has to catch up. Maybe one day it will.