ALLAH IS MY HAPPINESS

As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Friday, March 16, 2007

Stick a fork in me I AM DONE!!!!!!

For some strange reason I am not feeling excited about this visit coming up. I have wanted him to come and now that the time is close Honestly I wish I could tell him to stay there. I want to see him but then again I feel overwhelmed and sick of pologny. I think I feel this way because I know when he comes here nothing will change. yeah he will be here for his 72 day but then what.......Nothing things will go back to the way they are now. he will be in Egypt and I will be left here complaining.
I am sick of this type of life. I need to figure something out. I talked to him about my feelings and he is being very understanding in words but honestly I don't think there will be much action. He said the nicest words. I always said he was a charmer. But those words don't work on me like they used to. They do not have any affect. Maybe i am becoming hard or numb. But the same words i used to love to hear mean nothing to me now. They are just words and empty promises. Yes, he believes them when he says them but he fails int he follow through. I am sick of being disappointed.
That is it!! I know this whole trip will be a huge disappointment. So why go through all the emotions to only be let down in the end. No, we wont argue. We will have fun, but nothing will change. Int he end he will go back to Egypt and go back to his wife. and I will be here again ALONE. I know yeah she will be alone while he is here. But I am sorry she chose this life.I didn't . He chose it for me. He made these decisions not matter what i said or did. Life is too short o be this unhappy.

well now here is the kicker. I just finished talking to him before i got to finish this entry and this is the latest.

Now he wants to come here and then go to america to work or a few months to save up money for this house. then after he finishes he will go to egypt and not come here for maybe 4-6 months while the house is being built.........so what am i looking at maybe 9 months without seeing him. OH YEAH RIGHT i told him t o take that idea and shove it. I am done take your idea and stay in egypt and leave me alone. I am soooooooooo finished. then he says ok he wont go to the states but he wont come here for 4-6 months so he can save the airfare...... I just turned off the computer and my phone i do not want to talk to him I am finished. he should have thought this crap out b4 he got married.

why you get a wife u cant afford. why you get a wife when you dont even have a home yet. why ......... and who ends up suffering....me >..will I get that time back........NO!!!! will i get anything out of this deal other than an apartment in an area i dont want to live in anyway.....No
so again I ask myself why and I married. I will tell u what As of today I wont be. I am done.

17 Comments:

  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I am sorry for what you are dealing with right now. But you ask what will you get from this? Your ultimate reward is with Allah subhanawatallah sweetie, so please look foward to that. What is due to you will be given on the day of Judgment Insha'Allah. May Allah make this ordeal easy on you, Ameen. This is only a test, it's up to you to pass or fail. Allah teaches us the way to be patient, and it seems like most of us learn the hard way. And by no means am I saying for your husband to stay away from you for months. I don't think thats fair one bit. I am just saying look at the bigger picture, your reward remains to be with your Lord. So the title of your blog is Allah is My Happiness, and that is true, look to Him for the ultimate guidance and true happiness.

     
  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    Thanks so much sweety, but you know I have been patient and there comes a time when you have to say I have had enogh. I am not Me anymore. Yes, I have to learn that thier is a bigger picture. However, My picture does not include my husband anymoree. I will rely On AllAh for my happiness and not a man becuse they are selfish and think only withthier small heads.
    I will Look to Allah for my Happiness and LOOk to him to cry out to and pour out my soul to and ask him to take all this pain and turn it into something good. One day I will see the positive in this> I will look back in this and say I was strong I endured so much adn in the end I will be happy......cause I did it by myslef with the Help from Allah

     
  • At 2:15 PM, Blogger Safa said…

    SubhanALLAH!

    MEN!

     
  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger muslima_in_egypt said…

    assalam alaikum, just be strong , sister, and demand your rights. don't let people talk you into the 'be patient guilt trip'.. why should you be patient? can't he be ???

     
  • At 5:08 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    WALAKIUM ASSAALAM, THANK YOU MS. EGYPT,


    I have no intention on being patient for that. I told him that and I think he got the point. I am done being the one that gives up my happiness for other to be happy anymore. I will not be a doormat. I will not be a person that says I want you to be happy and sacrifice myself inorder for that to happen. NO I WANT TO BE HAPPY.......What part of Islam says I cant be happy too...... NONE, So I will keep doing what I have been doing, being alone and taking care of my children....

     
  • At 7:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    don't let people talk you into the 'be patient guilt trip'

    Even though llali has the right to ask for her rights, calling it guilt trip is inappropriate, it is actually “reward trip”

    Al-Asr (103)
    Verily! man is In loss except those who …… recommend one another to patience

     
  • At 8:13 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    Thank you for the reminder, I truely needed to get that right now. I feel upset an dangry and when we get like this we do not always make good choices. However, there comes a time when you have to say enough!!!

     
  • At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sabr does not mean you have to do nothing. Allah tells us that He will not change the condition of a people until they change themselves. That said, there such a thing a guilt trip in the ummah. Many times it is used by the users themselves who want to make the others feel badly for wanting good for themselves. Allah has instructed men to FEAR HIM concerning His female slaves. Yet, and still the Muslima is the most apt to be oppressed by her own people.

    I think you are strong to ask the question. Im not saying divorce is the key, I don't know the situation to say that. But you can better your condition and still remain patient. That is patience. And rewards the muhsinun.

     
  • At 10:25 PM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    And saying "Enough" is fine. I'm not saying wait around for more injustice. I don't understand how something I say that was very positive and uplifting has been turned into a guilt trip. I love you for the sake of Allah sister, and I want for you what I want for myself, and that is only good.

     
  • At 5:27 AM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    You know i can see both sides being positive. Yes what you said is positive. we do need to be patient and yes our reward comes later. this is true. But in marrage there are rulesd and he is not following them. so for her to say dont get sucked into the guilt trip can be positive also. inthat we as women are tthe ones that so have patients men would not do the things we do. we love hared, we give hard and lots of time we do not get a fraction of what we give back. so saing dont get caught up in the guilt trip can be positive as well because it can be a wake up call to some thathave suffered for yreas of broken promises , opression, abuse, neglect, and other things...... I know for me I have to get on with my life. this stuff is consuming me. I have been patient. You have no idea how patient. I have given this man more than he deserved. and in return he says that you with a new wife and unequal time.
    let me tell you i have taken care of him when he was sick i mean giving him shots in his butt, cleaning up after him when he could notmake it to the bath room, i have stuck by him when his character was very unislmic, i have gave him time that was for my kids, i have given him my last, I have been told many hurtful things, had many many horrible things done to me and I have always been patient and hung in there. but you know what my feelings for him have changed. i do not have the love i once had for him just last week. it is gone and do not think it will return. my heart is not just broken it is gone....

     
  • At 7:16 AM, Anonymous latifah said…

    Why can't men be patient too?

    If you can't afford to maintain another wife and you can't afford to spend time with her, then you should be patient and be grateful that you have a wife to begin with.

    There are a lot of good men who haven't found someone to marry yet. I see young men 24, 25, 26...who are still unmarried. Brothers should be grateful of what they have too.

    Patience is required of all of us, not just women.

     
  • At 8:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I didn't think Umm Abdul Hameed's comment was unpositive. It just seemed naieve as well as lacking pratical wisdom that women who have been Muslim and married longer would possess.

     
  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    I Think she has alot of wisdon for a woman of 23. I do not think many women her age would have gone through what she has and still hold on the her marriage and faith as she has. I read her blog and think she has great strenght and courage and would take her advice anyday. I am just tired of the okiedoke!!! sorry if you dont understand that phrase it is a philly thing.

     
  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    Salaams,

    Wow, livin_life, thanks for backing me up. I've never been called naive before. Hmmm..... I guess that's something for me to think about. I know what you are talking about, falling for the okiedoke. Are you from Philly? From what you said here, I understand you have been through a lot. I'm not the type of woman to tell someone who has been abused and beaten to stick around and be patient. I know as women we make impulsive decisions when we are angry. A husband spending vast amounts of time away from his wife creates serious jealousy and fitnah. I don't know the in's and out's of everyone's marriage. I just think we should exhaust all outlets before throwing in the town. And if that doesn't work, then you can say, I did all that I could. And I'm sure you have done all that you could.

    Anon ~ I've been muslim for six years, and married for five. I don't know how much more experience I should have at my age. I attempted to uplift this sisters spirits when she was obviously feeling very down. There is nothing naive about that.

     
  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger Safa said…

    Personally, I think ur a sweetheart.....as I do all my blog friends....and opinions are what they are.....they vary....even the muslim schools of thoughts are sometimes different.......

    What we have to do as owners of our blogs, is pick and choose....what works, what doesn't.....a little ilm....a little ability....and see where we can go from there. What's right for you, may not be right for me.......

    So lets enjoy the variety and be nice to each other.......

     
  • At 10:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    LLLI, naivety is something that we all have to a certain extent. Allah says in the Qur'an that a man doesn't reach full strength until 40. And there are thousands of women her age, Muslim and non Muslim, dealing with the same type of situations. When I use to watch tv, there was a talk show called Maury and he always had triangle type (husband/wife/otherwoman) of situations as themes. Majority of the women were 25 and under. Never once did I see a 30 or 40 year old woman on there. That's the time women usually go through these types of things. By 30, you know by time the same fitna strikes two or three times that it's you who needs to get up and make some changes. And by 40, inshallah, if your light bulb is screwed in tight enough you don't even wait for the fitna to strike. When you see it coming, you get up and move quickly to protect your deen.

    Umm Abdul Hameed, I didn't call you naieve with any malice. And I would take advice from you too because you do seem to have a lot of wit for your age as well as zeal for the deen, but just not on marital issues, lol.

    And honey, I've been Muslim all my life and married twice as long as you...and you know what, I'm still naieve about a lot things out here in this dunya. I'm still learning every day and every day it's a struggle to put Allah first in my affairs completely. And that why I said your comment lack wisdom or was naieve. If someone is saying that their down and not happy and that there life (which is their deen) and taking a beating, it's not a time to call for patience. You don't hear doctors in a ER telling one another to be patient, do you? No! They move fast and efficiently and with proper knowledge to fix the problem.

    LLLI, I got you ukhti,lol! And that's good. Be tired of it. Just make sure you don't let go of more than necessary. Understand? Hang on to Allah and the sunnah He has blessed us with through the prophet saws and keep encouraging your husband with goodness. Allah can change anything. You gonna be all right inshallah!

     
  • At 9:21 PM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    Salaams,

    Anon, I read what you said, and as far as saying "this is not a time to call for patience", I don't agree with that. Allah subhanawatallah talks about patience and it's great reward in depth in the Qur'an. Some ayah's being:

    "And seek aid in patience and prayer” (Surah Baqarah: 2:45)

    "And Allah loves those who are patient” (Surah Imran: 3:146)

    Those who are patient will be given their reward in full, beyond reckoning.” (Surah az-Zumar 39:10)

    Most surely there are signs in this for every patient endurer, grateful one” (Surah Luqman: 31:31)

    Peace be upon you, for your perseverance and patience. How great shall be your reward in the hereafter!” (Surah Ra’ad: 13:24)

    The Prophet (saw) said:

    “The believer’s situation is indeed amazing: it is always beneficial to him. If he is blessed with good, he is thankful, which is good for him, and if he is afflicted with hardships, he is patient, which is also good for him.”

    So no matter how difficult the situation is, it is always a time for patience. Hasty decisions are not smart. May Allah make us a reminder to one another. Ameen.

     

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