As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Monday, March 26, 2007

New thought

You know I had a thought today. I know most people think it is so much harder for the first wife to accept sharign her husband. But what abotut he second wife> I am sure it is very hard on them after they get a reality check. I know some come in thinking they are preferred because if the other marriage was so great why did he get when she sees the truth and sees what she really has sometimes I'm sure it is hard on her. I mean you have to feel like you are constantly catching up. They may feel like they will never have what the first wife has......TIME. the first wife had time alone..time to build a bond.time to really know him.all about him. so i wonder if it is truly harder for the second wife.
I think my co is going through this now. I think it has alot to do with the fact that hubby is suppose to be comming her soon. She is feeling sad and the reality of him not only being with her it getting to her. I hear from the wali she is having a hard time not feeling loved...well not that he does not love her but her question is why did he marry her because (she thinks) he loves me so much............why did he even need her...

what do you all think?

Is it harder for the first or second wife?

2, Is it really hard on the men having to deal with all these different emotions for different women?

3 Do men come to love the first wife more after he remarries?

4, Does insecurities ever go away or do they just change??

5, Do men really need more than one wife or is it just something they want??


  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yes it is hard on the second wife also. I am my husbands second wife and it is hard on me, not because I ever thought that his marriage to his first wife was lacking anything but it's hard on me because I sometimes feel like your co wife. I wonder if he really loves me like he says he does. And I wonder how if hes been with his first wife for over 10 years. And me being the new wife of only a few months seems weird. I feel like where do I fit in in this family. Subhanna'Allah so the second wife struggle just as hard as the first if not more.

    As far as it being hard on the men dealing with his wives different emotions. Na'am it is very hard on them. Especially if the brother loves both his wives and them being emotional and depressed will bother him also because the brother wants to make everyone happy and when his wives is hurt, he is hurt. For some men it is hard...maybe not all wa Allahu Alim.

  • At 9:41 PM, Blogger UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said…

    Those are very good questions. I have to think about the answers. I will say though that the other day I fought with my husband about my feelings. He seems to think that because I am the second wife my feelings are not justified. When I was trying to express my feelings to him he just kept saying well think about how she feels....Oh man it pissed me off. I Know she feels bad I know she was and still is hurt but I hate when he tells me she hurts more than me...She probably does but don't tell me that.

  • At 11:58 PM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    As Salaamu Alaikum, let me see if I can answer all of your questions.

    Is it harder for the first or second wife?

    I think it can be equally hard for both. Hard for the first because what she was used to in her life is changing. Hard for the second, because she really doesn't know the husband like the first wife does.

    Is it really hard on the men having to deal with all these different emotions for different women?

    I can definately say it is hard on men having to deal with women's emotions. But it's something they have to sacrifice if they want to have they're cake and eat it too.

    Do men come to love the first wife more after he remarries?

    I believe the husbands love is renewed for the first wife after he remarries. He realizes all of the things that he values in his first wife. I know this to be true, because I have asked many first wives.

    Does insecurities ever go away or do they just change?

    I believe there are insecurities on both sides. For each woman. Just because you are feeling one way, doesn't mean that your co-wife isn't feeling the same way. Something that actually attracts men more is a woman's strength in her self. Knowing who she is without a question is attractive to men. So if it's possible, women should try to put up a front like they don't have insecurities, because this will make the husband believe that they are on top. Men actually love strong women, and women who have they're self-esteem together.

    Do men really need more than one wife or is it just something they want?

    Some men really need more than one wife, and some men just want more than one wife. So I believe it's both.

    While on this topic, my husband asked me if it was all really worth it, him getting married again. After going through all the trouble to find another wife, and to make another family. Is it worth it. I couldn't really answer that for him. I told him that's a decision he would have to come to on his own.

  • At 6:11 AM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…


    Yes I know it can be hard for you. However, You have to make your own family with him not try to fit in to the one that already exsist. I do not mean go have kids, but I mean make your own make find YOUR PLACE!! dont try to fit where she has already been. You wont ever fit. you are your own person. Make a spot that is your alone. Thats why he married you for you to be you . not an extention of her.......

  • At 6:19 AM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    oh, please I would have been livid!!!! MEN CAN NOT COMPARE not to your face anyway. what they do int heir minds is one thing but to say to you to think about her pain. OH MAN!!! Yeah she has her own to deal with but to me it seems like he has given her the royal treatment this whole time so she is not feeling all that bad. I mean i know she is hurt but she gets him full time you do not. she gets quiet phone calls you dont......and there are other things i am sure you have mentioned. the thing he has to learn is your feelings are valid also becuase THEY ARE YOUR FEELINGS! even if he feels like you do not have a right to have them the fact is you do. so he needs to get over it and find a way to let you express them and them work on fixing them. little things become huge things and when they explode look out cause you will be in trouble...........some men are not equipt for multipul wives. it take alot of patients , love, caring, and most of all self control. ...he may want to say or do somethings but he does not have the option becuase each woman is so different and you can not SHOW more feeling for one than the other.

  • At 6:24 AM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    umm abdul hameed,

    I agree some men like strong women but some like one that are not strong because they want to feel important and needed.

    and your husband is just feeling a bit down right now. That is why he brought that up. ONce a man gets the thought in their head it will not go away. it is there forver......will he act on it..........YES, IF HE HAS THE i would have done what you did say it is all up to you....becuase in the end it is..he will have to search himself to see if this is truely the life he wants.....if the pain he will cause you is worth it to him....if the pain he will cause himself is worth it.......YOU dont have a say a word cause int he is all on him..

  • At 6:59 AM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    LL&LI ~ I don't really think it's about the pain that will be bought to the situation. I feel like our relationship will go on to have it's normal up's and down's, but not all having to do with his marrying again. I know that the thought of polygyny really won't go away, because this is not the first time in our relationship that we have had to deal with it. He has been back and forth about getting another wife for quite some time. Just so happened that this sister came into the situation. But I know, my husband NEEDS another wife. I don't try to fool myself into thinking differently. Because if he doesn't get married again, this just leaves me with the entire burden of trying to make him satisfied, and it just isn't going to work like that.

  • At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Why can't women be honest? I would love to have two husbands..two men to sleep with would be exiting and wild..think of it..two men being jealous of you, unsure of who is the best in bed etc, etc...
    Men are the is as simple as that...they want variety and excitement and if the women they are with are as unsure of themselves as many of the women I hear blogging about polygamy are..well, then why not?
    I wouldn't have a second husband (ignoring that it is illegal in my world) because I know it would hurt my husband and he doesn't deserve that lack of respect...just as he is loyal to me
    and wouldn't want to hurt me...These men who get to have more than one woman under the guise of propriety in a religion....well, it is glaringly clear to me what that is all about...a Muslim woman of 2007 would not put up with it and there are very , very many (the majority) who don't and won't ever.
    Just my thoughts....

  • At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I guess my comment will be censored or as the blog says...moderated...cuts down on discussion quite a bit when you can't disagree:):)

  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    anon#2, it may be your thought but it is sooooooooo wrong. there are parts of the world that it is the NORM to have severl wives. So for you to say no woman of 2007 would pu tup with it is CRAZY!! there are men that have affairs everyday and women put up with it. there are men that go to prositutes and women put up with it. there are men that are bi sexual and women pu tup with it. Here in Uae I see many many co wives. In my class may childern say oh i haev 3 moms.and this is am international school. Not a muslim school. I am sure If it was an Islamic School there would be more.
    Eid I met 30 women that were all in co wife situations. 30!!!!! that was just in one place. suballan allah I was shocked but I see now that it is not the minority but the MAJORITY! we cannot change a mans nature. I will not try anyway. I will say ALL men are different, and their reasons for havign more than one wife differs.

    the fact that you can look at all the mulitple partners people have these days, all the swinging clubs, all the strip clubs, prositutes, HERE IN MUSLIM COUNTRIES, some body somewhere is not only having sex with ONE WOMAN!!! so what if a man choses to be honest and have a HALAL wife. it is betetr than other options.....

    ANOTHER THING beign honest ALL WOMMEN would not like to have 2 or more husbands. I know for me Yes the excitement of having men fall over me would be enjoyed for a moth or so them I would get tired of it. The real thing in a relationship is not the sex or the first stages of falling inlove. It is when things go bad if you can hang in there it is when the things you hate about a person turn into the things you just do not want to live without. My marriage is deep and complex it is not defined by one simple thing. so no way would I want to do this full time with more than one man.. And it has NOTHING TO DO WITH RESPECT OR LACK OF IT!!!

    oh and if I chose not to post a message u send it will not be because i disagree with you. It will only be if i feel it is offensive. I do not have to agree with u in order to post ur comment. This is life we are not all made out of the same mold.

  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    LL&LI said: The real thing in a relationship is not the sex or the first stages of falling in love. It is when things go bad if you can hang in there it is when the things you hate about a person turn into the things you just do not want to live without. My marriage is deep and complex it is not defined by one simple thing.

    WELL SAID!!!

    I realize that there are lots of women who believe that they're husbands are faithful, and that they love only them, etc. But in many ways I think these women are naieve. Because I know truthfully that many men cheat on they're wives. I know that many men go to strip clubs, many men pay prostitutes. And then they return home to they're wives as if they have done nothing. And these women believe that they have the pefect marriage. That they're husbands love them oh so much. If they only knew. It's better to be realistic about a man than to pull the wool over your own eyes.

    My non-Muslim family members, majority of the women are being cheated on. My sister, cousin, and aunt. And they know about it! Do they leave? NO! I call my sister's relationship with her boyfriend of seven years a polygynous one, because she knows about the other woman, and constantly has drama with the other woman. Will either of these women leave the man alone? NO! So it's not only Islam. It exists in the real world whether we like it or not.

  • At 4:11 PM, Blogger Musleema said…

    Maybe Umm Abdul Hameed that is why you have the feelings that you do about and on polygyny. They seem to be shaped and made before Islam, within your family that man cheat or are in more need of affection than woman.

    In my family, I have parents who have been married almost 40 years. No cheating, no polygyny, Mashallah. My grandparents on both sides also married over 60 years. My husband's parents have been married 60 years too. Neither of us have any polygynist family members in our extended family (we're both born Muslim, and he is Arab).

    And although my husband has talked to me about polygyny before I don't think at all that he will do more than that: just talk. We've enjoyed our marriage from the beginning and we enjoy eachother also the challenges of separating would be too much for the both of us.

    Alhamdulilah, that Allah gives us choices. I think when we don't rely on Allah (tawakkul) in all circumstances and then get made to do things that have no benefit to our deen than we become easy targets for shaitan to weaken/kill our deen.

    It's a choice.

    For those sisters who choose to go into polygyny and those sisters who choose to stay in a marriage once it becomes polygynous, I think it would be equally hard. Different tests, but equal severity because of the complexity of the situation. Regardless of what some will say, polygyny is more work in this dunya for all parties and when you choose to put more work on yourself, you, not Allah, are going to have more opportunities to fail, especially in these times where are ummah is so weak. But, of course the opposite would be true too. There would be more opportunities to get rewards also.

    It is always a choices. Though choices in the dunya aren't easy when jannah is at stake.

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger Umm Abdul Hameed said…

    Musleema, Salaams sis! The cheating in my family just became apparent to me after taking my shahadah. I wasn't aware of anyone being cheated on before I came to Islam. So I don't think my feelings were shaped before. I just won't fool myself into thinking that most men are monogamous. Many men have the inclination for more than one woman, and they chose not to act on it. Other's have the inclination, and they go for it.

  • At 4:26 PM, Blogger PM said…

    1. Is it harder for the first or second wife?

    Extremely hard on both for different reasons.

    2, Is it really hard on the men having to deal with all these different emotions for different women?

    I don't think it is that hard on most men because frankly, they shut off and do as they pleaese. I have foubd that the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" and in my case the first wife and her children squeak loud and constantly. I, on the other hand, am used to taking care of myself so I never used physical or montetary needs to gain his attention. Thus my emotional needsd were frequently overlooked because he just shut them off.

    3 Do men come to love the first wife more after he remarries?

    Rather than lover her more, I think it is more likely that they may appreciate her more once they find that life with the 2nd one isn't perfect either. They learn to play one off against the other rather and flit back and forth between them rather than admitting that THEY are a big part of the problem in the difficultire each marriage experiences.

    4, Does insecurities ever go away or do they just change??

    In time, I think they lessen as the women learn to be more independent and not build so much of their life around their husband. Also, most women gradually kearn that the other wife is not the root of their problem. The husband is ;-)

    5, Do men really need more than one wife or is it just something they want??

    I would say less than 1% of men might actually NEED andother wife. And in those rare cases it is because the first wife is ill or no longer wants to be a wife to her husband but doesn't want a divorce either because of the perceived social stigma. Very rarely, I see that being the case here in the Gulf. But the bottom line is that men have positioned themselves to dominate and abuse Islam from the time our Prophet (saw) died. As long as they can convince us women that we will go to hell for defying their interpretation of Islam, then they'll continue to insist polygyny is their right and they'll continue to abuse it.

    Take care and salaam alaikum,

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    Wow, I like your answers PM. Welcome to my blog. i have read yours and really like alot of your writings. I agree some men do abuse this and it is sad becuase I do think when done right it can be a beautiful thing. I do know some women inthe states that are doing great their children are happy they are VERY happy and the family thing works for them. I know another family that kind of fell into it. The best friend died and he married the widow. That worked out after the first wife adjusted. My mom knows several women that love it also. So I think it has its good side. In every case that I know of that does not work it is the men that abuse their rights.


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