As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

My nightmare

This road is long. When i feel like I can handle it something happens that makes me feel like I cant. The thing is I have to make this work. I love this man so much. I want to be married to him. I sat and looked at him and thought to myself no this is not the life I chose but this is the man I chose. I Have to live with the choice I made. I do love him. I do need him. WHen i think about all we have been through I can not imagine just walking away from it. We have had so many bad time but we over came them. Why does this seem so unbearable? Why does this seem so hard.?How do I fix my heart? Right now it seems broken into tiny pieces. My heart aches in places I never knew could feel pain, but with all of the pain I still love. How is that?

I just feel like she is the one that I have to share my heart with and now she has taken a bigger part. I dont have a whole heart anymore she took it. SHe moved into it and added a baby . I only have a small peice I guess I have to learn to be greatful for that small piece. But why is my pices getting smaller and my love for him is still so big.


  • At 9:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Assalam Alaykum,

    I read this and it reminded me
    of a recent post over at
    entitled " the disease that many of us are afflicted with..."

    you should check it out.

    here's an excerpt:
    "So everyone who loves something, with passion or otherwise, then this love can be removed by loving that which is more beloved to compete with it.[9] This love can also be removed by fearing the occurrence of a harm that is more hateful to one than leaving this love. So when Allaah is more beloved to the servant than anything else, and more feared by him than anything else, then he will not fall into passionate love or find any love that would compete with his love of Allaah..."

  • At 10:00 AM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    Thanks for that. I think that is what we all strive for. sometimes it just takes a long time to get there. Inshaallah one day I will make it. until then .........

  • At 10:37 PM, Blogger Safa said…

    You know what just frustrates me? Is that everytime I feel like you are coming to terms with some new inconvenience and making bounds and leaps that I wish I was capable of....somehow....a huge brick wall pops up in front of you and THROWS u to the ground.

    That's what it feels like to me. April talked to co wife....and it's okay....and now this?

    Is this what polygyny is about? Is it always about twists and turns, ups and downs....where is that clear straight path...that you can walk along with ur eyes closed? Where is it?

    It does exist, doesn't it? I seem to remember something like that in my marriage before......where our days were like our nights...and we took comfort in the mundane. Where my needs were just as important as my husbands. Where he was number one on my list, just as I was number one on his.

    And then I see you progressing and say to myself....this woman is amazing....the only one who could stop me crying....who tried to get my stupid silly thinking outta my head and tell me like it is. The only person that i could confide in, when I had no one......she's SO amazing! And I thank Allah that we got to know each other.....

    The only solution that I see for learning to leap bound higher......and pray those walls don't do the same thing.....

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    Safa, You made me cry!!!! YEs i remember when we first met and we would talk for hours. I think I know u and I more than anyon eon here knows your pain. I pray for you and hope you do what you need to do and those walls fall down for you so you can just brush the bricks to the side.

  • At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    I know what you mean, Safa. Every time I agreed to a request, there would be a new request before my lips had even finished voicing "yes".

    It hurts to feel that something is never-ending.

    But, I do think part of the problem is being too enmeshed. We shouldn't really being giving our heart into another's keeping, as my mom would say. Or, thinking that we hold someone else's heart? It's a metaphor, and I get it, but the romance screws up our thinking.

    That's kind of what the first comment was getting at. Let's give our hearts to Allah. Not to a man. Only Allah is worthy of our lives. We don't live for anyone but Him.

    One of my biggest faults is loving a man too much. Please consider pulling back in your devotion to a man. It will be your undoing.


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