hot vs not
I think when a man has more than one wife they each have a seperate role. I do n t know if one is more important than the other but I KNOW they are different.
Living in the same home I really get to see it so clear. For my husband I am his comfort. When he is having a bad moment he will come to me. When he needs to talk about anything he comes to me. I know this is because I have been his constant He knows no matter what happens I have his back. I may make him suffer a bit but when push comes to shove I am there for him. He knows when he is wrong I am going to tell him and I know when and how to tell him.
Right now for her he is building or trying to build a bond that will allow him to talk to her but so far it is not working. I think part of it is her maturity level and another part is she talks to much. She has not learned to keep secrets. She will tell a perfect stranger all her business. So he does not trust her too much yet. I tell him trust will come in time inshaallah. One day she will learn what he wants it just takes time. Although she may not be the one he tells his thoughts to; she does have her role.
she is the hot one. she is younger, with her new pregnant boobs she is definatly the one he is desiring more. I mean in 21 days her breast trippled in size. Her body is more shaply and right now she is new..... I mean we have done it all nothing new to do. After all these years if it can be done we did it ......but with them she is still a toy he can find new things to do and and play with.
Does this bother me..........YUP..but not too much...... It is not like he is neglecting me. I have my time with him and it is still good. However there are times when I wish I had something new......something that would make us both remember when we started out..... I have to say he does his best not to show it. He does not want me to feel undesirable to him. He tells me I am looking sexier than ever, or makes sure he tells me something looks good if its new. I know they may not be what he really feels but I love that he is putting in the effort. And I am also getting more Romance; I guess that is just as important. However, sometimes I was that passion, That just walk into a room and go at it passion. Candles are nice, so are the body rubs...but sometime I would like to see that look.......YOu know the look you get when he just cant wait to get at you.
The strange thing is a part of me likes that he has her. I mean I am not dumb and I know men LOVE veriety. So I am happy he has it. I know it makes him a happier person and in turn it make him a better husband. I never feel, well let me say almost never feel jealous or sad about him loving sex with her. I did have my moment when I was like oh give it a rest!!..No i didnt hear them ...I was outside and heard her yelling for him to hurry out the shower becasue she has to shower too before salat came in. My husband is not a middle of the day shower type of guy....Anyway......
For me I know this is something that he enjoys and I am happy he has it. I know that may seem crazy and I know I am not explaing it very well. I know this is a part of marriage.... I know this is a big part of why he wanted another wife. I know right now because of her issues she is trying to knock his socks off because she wants to outdo me. The thing is she can and it is ok becuase we will never be equal in all things. So if he has her to drop it like its hot all day everyday......god bless him if he can keep up with it. I know one day it will get old and the newness will wear off. As long as I am happy with him It is ok for me to not be the HOT one.....
He tells me he loves me more than before. I know right now he does because although he is feeling hot for her; he is also finding parts of her personality very undesirable. We talked yesterday and we both like the idea of living together but we do not like the idea of her. THE ISSUES HE HAS WITH HER WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT HOME SHE LIVES IN. so please do not think it is because of us living together. She loves to argue, she is never wrong...you have to explain everything to her and that drives him crazy, she has a very strong personilty. this is something that causes alot of problems becasue so does he......man they are like oil and water...... I guess when u do not know a person before you marry them you just do not know what u r getting. They have both said to me they wish they didnt get married. They both said if there was no baby they would divorce. I am not sure how true that is on both thier parts, people say many things when they are emotional. I know for a fact they both love each other....I am just not sure if they are right for each other. So I am the one that listens to them both seperatly and together. Man, I am the secret holder...referee.....counslor.... I get it from all sides......I need to get paid...lol....
anyway here I go getting sidetracked.......
My thought is this
Is it hard for a woman to know she is not the hot one in a marriage. If you knew your husband may love you more but not desire you alot how would you feel....
or would you rather have him think you were just the sexiest thing but not feel as in love with you.
Or do you think that if he thinks you are the sexiest and wants you all the time that that will make a woman feel he loves he more too because how could he not love her if he wants her allt he time......hummmmmm
Also what is more importan passion or romance....... maybe they go hand in hand..... I dont know..... I thought they did but now I dont know.
I guess its romance vs passion vs love...... I know we as woman want it all..... I know I wish I did at times but I do not let it bother me. I look at what I DO have and I am happy with it. There are just days i guess when I wish I had more......
Living in the same home I really get to see it so clear. For my husband I am his comfort. When he is having a bad moment he will come to me. When he needs to talk about anything he comes to me. I know this is because I have been his constant He knows no matter what happens I have his back. I may make him suffer a bit but when push comes to shove I am there for him. He knows when he is wrong I am going to tell him and I know when and how to tell him.
Right now for her he is building or trying to build a bond that will allow him to talk to her but so far it is not working. I think part of it is her maturity level and another part is she talks to much. She has not learned to keep secrets. She will tell a perfect stranger all her business. So he does not trust her too much yet. I tell him trust will come in time inshaallah. One day she will learn what he wants it just takes time. Although she may not be the one he tells his thoughts to; she does have her role.
she is the hot one. she is younger, with her new pregnant boobs she is definatly the one he is desiring more. I mean in 21 days her breast trippled in size. Her body is more shaply and right now she is new..... I mean we have done it all nothing new to do. After all these years if it can be done we did it ......but with them she is still a toy he can find new things to do and and play with.
Does this bother me..........YUP..but not too much...... It is not like he is neglecting me. I have my time with him and it is still good. However there are times when I wish I had something new......something that would make us both remember when we started out..... I have to say he does his best not to show it. He does not want me to feel undesirable to him. He tells me I am looking sexier than ever, or makes sure he tells me something looks good if its new. I know they may not be what he really feels but I love that he is putting in the effort. And I am also getting more Romance; I guess that is just as important. However, sometimes I was that passion, That just walk into a room and go at it passion. Candles are nice, so are the body rubs...but sometime I would like to see that look.......YOu know the look you get when he just cant wait to get at you.
The strange thing is a part of me likes that he has her. I mean I am not dumb and I know men LOVE veriety. So I am happy he has it. I know it makes him a happier person and in turn it make him a better husband. I never feel, well let me say almost never feel jealous or sad about him loving sex with her. I did have my moment when I was like oh give it a rest!!..No i didnt hear them ...I was outside and heard her yelling for him to hurry out the shower becasue she has to shower too before salat came in. My husband is not a middle of the day shower type of guy....Anyway......
For me I know this is something that he enjoys and I am happy he has it. I know that may seem crazy and I know I am not explaing it very well. I know this is a part of marriage.... I know this is a big part of why he wanted another wife. I know right now because of her issues she is trying to knock his socks off because she wants to outdo me. The thing is she can and it is ok becuase we will never be equal in all things. So if he has her to drop it like its hot all day everyday......god bless him if he can keep up with it. I know one day it will get old and the newness will wear off. As long as I am happy with him It is ok for me to not be the HOT one.....
He tells me he loves me more than before. I know right now he does because although he is feeling hot for her; he is also finding parts of her personality very undesirable. We talked yesterday and we both like the idea of living together but we do not like the idea of her. THE ISSUES HE HAS WITH HER WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT HOME SHE LIVES IN. so please do not think it is because of us living together. She loves to argue, she is never wrong...you have to explain everything to her and that drives him crazy, she has a very strong personilty. this is something that causes alot of problems becasue so does he......man they are like oil and water...... I guess when u do not know a person before you marry them you just do not know what u r getting. They have both said to me they wish they didnt get married. They both said if there was no baby they would divorce. I am not sure how true that is on both thier parts, people say many things when they are emotional. I know for a fact they both love each other....I am just not sure if they are right for each other. So I am the one that listens to them both seperatly and together. Man, I am the secret holder...referee.....counslor.... I get it from all sides......I need to get paid...lol....
anyway here I go getting sidetracked.......
My thought is this
Is it hard for a woman to know she is not the hot one in a marriage. If you knew your husband may love you more but not desire you alot how would you feel....
or would you rather have him think you were just the sexiest thing but not feel as in love with you.
Or do you think that if he thinks you are the sexiest and wants you all the time that that will make a woman feel he loves he more too because how could he not love her if he wants her allt he time......hummmmmm
Also what is more importan passion or romance....... maybe they go hand in hand..... I dont know..... I thought they did but now I dont know.
I guess its romance vs passion vs love...... I know we as woman want it all..... I know I wish I did at times but I do not let it bother me. I look at what I DO have and I am happy with it. There are just days i guess when I wish I had more......
posted by Livin_life_and loving_it @ 5:55 AM
8 Comments:
At 10:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
ok, i don't want to offend you in any way cuz i know this can be offensive probably....but that was the funniest thing i've read in a long time....i llloooooooovvvveeee how you explain things and describe things and that's what cracks me up the most!! ha ha! anyway. sounds like lust to me. from their "relationship" it seems like lust. it takes awhile to build a relationship and that's why you two have. sounds like me and my hubby, i know him too well and i can put him in his place and be honest and communicate without talking. it's a great thing, better than lust. cuz lust fades. and what's important when you're old and wrinkly and everything is dry and sagging (like 80 years old)? that's how i always remind myself of beauty is on the inside. and you seem to be beautiful on the inside and i'm sure he sees that beauty every day. the older i get the more i physically change, especially after giving birth.....not as tight or as thin or as "Hot" and can't eve where my medium size VS panties and bras (matching by the way) ha ha....but i wouldnt' trade it in the world for my wisdom or for what i knwo now.
just some thoughts spreading to your side of the world.....
At 5:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
I guess things will go in cycles when a man has multiple wives, as the heart changes soon he will find his renewed passion for you again. Only thing is, to me personally, that is the most undesirable part of polygamy, knowing that your feelings and heart's emotions are not as important to your mate as they are to you. For him in polygyny he is receiving a constant competition of women vying knowingly in some areas and unknowingly in others for his time and affection. For the women this is not so, a Muslim man in polygyny is only bound to give his wives the basics, and that doesn't include passion and romance.
Polygamy wasn't meant for every women, but for those women who do want to endure it, May Allah help you.
At 8:56 PM,
UmmLayla said…
I would take the trust hands down. I know that passion is great, but it is not a lasting bond. I think it is amazing that you are the rock in your family, and if I was in your situation I would hope to have your role.
I think you are right... It's just about everyone filling different needs in the family, and I think that is just part of polygyny. Of course, it also seems like you are the mature one and of course you know your husband well... So naturaly you are kinda mothering everyone. Masha'Allah, I have been reading for awhile and you seem like you have this whole thing together. No matter what emotions come up, you are handling it well. I guess I'm just saying, keep up the good work sister!
At 11:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
i understand that a blog is a great way to get feelings out there and just get feedback for things you may not want to ask other people about. However, with this post, don't you think the stuff you posted is of a very personal and intimate nature? And perhaps probably falls in the category of stuff yur not supposed to share?
At 8:14 PM,
Shabana said…
you've developed a very mature outlook on your situation and I really have to applaud you for that. I don't think I would have your attitude towards it if I was in the same circumstances. But at least reading your blog, I am able to see a more positive look on polygyny which I couldn't imagine. May Allah continue to give you wisdom and maturity no matter what situation Allah places you in.
At 1:44 AM,
Safa said…
First off.....I love the points you bring up here......I wish that there were some solutions.....
Secondly, I wanted to share with you what a very wise friend of mine said...(she'll prolly read this comment, too!)
When her husband was asking her why she didn't send him texts messages, emails, etc etc......(he wasn't feeling very loved)
She answered...."you have two wives....you are the one who is supposed to be making me feel special and loved"
WOW! I love that! I mean, sure.....it's a two way street.....but Hubby keeps dodging down those sidestreets, u know? He's gotta put some effort into making you feel like ur number 1!
I think that as much as ur hubby having a second wife can be trying at times.....it must be hell to have her in ur house. The shower comment got tears in my eyes. You don't need to know whether or not she's hot.....you don't need to know that her boobs have tripled in size.......and I know ur great at noticing and then just letting it slide.......
I completely understand ur comment about the being "new" thingy. You know....hubby bought a 2007 LandCruiser last visit and the mercedes became mine. Sometimes he talks about how much he misses driving the mercedes. He says it was an easy ride, and that he feels comfortable in it. The car is dependable and reliable. Then he goes on and says...but the landcruiser! WOW! It even smells new!! And the ride is different, he feels great.....
SubhanAllah....I swear when he starts talking about this....I fight tears. I don't even comment on what he's saying......one time he even asked me if I was okay.
"Oh yes, I'm fine" I answer him loudly.....and then under my breath I say....
"it's only that I'm the mercedes..."
At 3:28 PM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
Thank you all for your comments. I am happy someone thinks I have it together because at times I feel like I am falling apart. I know what I am doing is right that is what keeps me going. Any while many people do not agree with me or the way i live or the things i do I know deep down that all the pain I might indure is worth is. It makes my family happy, it make my husband happy and it is bringing me closer to Jennah. This life is soooooooooo short so this pain will not last long and Jennah inshaallah is forever........
At 12:17 AM,
PM said…
Salaam Alaikum,
LOL! I am that "wise" woman Safa is talking about and I am sure there are many who would say I am out of line. But here's the deal: By having more than one wife a husband is in essence standing before God and everyone and saying he can handle it. Part of that "handling" is in making all wives feel equally secure and loved -- especially when he is with the other one. The point when I decided that my husband wasn't worth fighting another woman over is the starting point for treating me as someone he respects.
I would not, however, ever want to share a house -- or even a country at this point -- with my husband's other wife.
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