As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Thursday, June 14, 2007

What is happiness in a marriage

I read a blog this morning. This person had not had anything new posted in a while so I was very happy to see something new there. When I read her post I was feeling happy for her and proud of her accomplishments. I had read some of her old post and she had been through alot. Now it seems like she is managing things to the best of her ability.
Then I read her replies.........MAN!!!!

I think sometimes we forget most people who are in polygny are already having a hard time and then we come along and say things to make them feel worse. Why is that?? I know most times we THINK we are showing them something they do not see. Or maybe we are slapping them into reality; but are we. Do we think the person writing the post knows thier own pain more than we do as readers We are not there livign their life. We are only getting a SMALL part of what it is to be in her shoes. Knowing this, knowing we do not have the full picture, knowing that no matter how much we want to help that person in reality we hurt them more....why do we judge, critisize, or question the authors actions. Why cant we just support them and encourage them. Yes there are times when we need to say wake up. but there is a right way and a wrong way to do that.

To me her post was very positive. She talked about what she wanted for her children and her life. How she wanted to not have her children programed to think having to share a husband is horrible.she wants them to think of it as normal. She wanted them to know this is a possibility. What is wrong with that?

I for one think If I had even thought about the possibilty of having to be a co wife as a child i MAY have been better prepared for my life today. If I had seen any positive examples of co exisiting as co wives Maybe when my husband remarried it would not have hurt me so much. Yes, it still would have hurt but maybe not as much, maybe it would not have hurt for so long, maybe i would have accepted it quicker. Maybe I would have seen the good polygny can have. Not think of what I lost, not think of what they are getting, not think of all the things I should not bother myself with thinking about anyway.......Maybe if I had not seen my aunt divorce her husband as soon as she found out he wanted a wife I would not have grown up thinking the big P was such a horrible, nasty thing that distroys families.
Maybe I would have seen how it can bring a family closer together........who knows .... but I still think we should not be so hard to think we know what a person is feeling or how they are living.....

That brings me to my real point....what is happiness in a marriage anyway.....isnt it different for each person. Dont we all go into a marriage with different expectations. we can all experience the same thing and it have a different affect on us. we could be married to the same man and have a totally different relationship with him and both be happy. becasue it is so very different for each and every one of us.

Most people could not live my life and be remotly happy. I think most people would be sad every day. They would wake up feeling jealous, angry, used, neglected, whatever.......but for me I wake up happy. I wake up happy no matter where my husband is in the morning. I do this because i am at peace. No matter where he sleeps he is close by. I find comfort in that. I do not worry myself with what he might have done the night before or what they are doing. I dont bother myself with worry about the fact that Am I at work and she is home. I dont worry myslf with thinking about all the things i dont have because she is here. I instead TRY to think of all the good thing and live in the moment. And at the moment I am happy. NO, I am not jumping up and down with joy. No I am not excited to see her every day. No, I am not saying at times I dont wish I had more alone time with my husband. I am not and I do. But even before her.....even before there was a thought of her or any other woman my married life was not perfect. I was not jumping up and down with happiness then either. I was not overly excited to see my husband everyday.........I did not value my time with him. I didnt think about time at all. But was i happy....yes....I think sometimes we forget that.I think sometime we make ourselves believe our lives was perfect before the other woman came along.we forget we complained about our husbands, they got on our nerves, he was the same man before he remarried but now we see his imperfection more...that intensify because our emotions are stronger, they are raging, they are intense.....and if we are the other woman maybe we come into the marriage with rose colored glasses on and hope and make ourselves believe that you will be happier than she is or you will make him happier, give him better sex, cook better, clean better or what ever.....but is that reality.......sometime we see what we want to see, and after doing it for so long we foget what was the real reality....
for me I was happy with what I had becasue that was the life i had grown accustom to. when i look back on that now I think wow I didnt really have that much. Please dont read more into that statement then what is said........what i mean by that is there was not love making everynight, there was not candle lit dinners everyday, we didnt life like leave it to beaver and have perfect kids doing perfect things, we didnt spend our days gazing into eachothers eyes or spend tons of quality time why should it bother me if I dont have that now...Yes, I didnt have to share........yes, he was with me each and every night.......NO he was not in love with another woman.......but when i really look at those three things. the three things that really deep down bother us as woman........I do not think today they matter at all. with those thing in being a part of my life or with out them I am still happiness just changed becasue my lifestyle and goal, my perspective has changed. But am i still happy...I would say even happier because this has taught to value my husband and this has shown me how much he loves me. I do spend MORE quality time with him. I do spend more time gazing into his eyes, Now we make time to do special things like candle lit dinner or he may have a bath ready for me when i come home with candles. I think now he even wants to make love more because he dost want anyone to feel like one is getting more than the other. so in most respect things balance out.

I have come to accept that him not just loving her but being in love with her does not make him love me less...the fact that he makes love to her does not make him desire me less....... the fact that he shares a huge part of his self with her didnt take him away from me. This is what I had to come to KNOw..not just think because for years I THOUGHT this before he got married I thought things would not change but that was only in my head...cause my heart didnt KNOW it my heart had doubts....I had to live this life to see Yes, it is ok Yes, there is live after the big i wont sugar coat it and say things are so sweet and wonderful.....heck no they arnt.....but there are bearable, there are livable, there are happy times.....

ok back to being happy man i tell you i get side tracked....

anyway this is my happiness...right now the thought of living without my husband would make me unhappy, depressed, and utterly alone.......many peopel would chose being alone over livng how i live..i can sit and think to myself is a woman that is alone really she happy having to come home to an empty house day after day night after night she happy not having a full time dad for her children if she has she happy hoping one day she will get a she really happy wanting a husband but not having one... is the looking for a husband better than actually having one..... some may say thier happiness is so very different than mine.becuase i HATE comeing home to a empty home. I HATE sleeping in a bed alone or with my kids night after night..I hated when my husband died and I didnt have a father for my kids.and the thought of them not having my husbad as a father figure is unexceptable to me. I could not imagine having to look for a husband again, or wait for a man to show intrest in me. I would not want to have to search the internet, if this is the way you choose to look for a husband, day after day hoping to get a reply .or the right reply........I would not want to tell family memebers I am once again single and in need of a husband....My friends would tire of me becasue I know I would become consumed with needing a man.and yes, I am not ashamed to say I would need a man...... I need companionship, I need structure, I need intamacy, I need to laugh with a man, I need the guidance that a man gives, I need a man to help me raise my kids, I need a man to sometimes tell me you know what YOu are wrong and you cant do that.... I need a man to help me with my Islam, to remind me when i am slacking, To encourage me when I feel weak....I need a man...........Yes yes, I do....... and the thought of being without one makes me unhappy.....but if a person told me i am single and i love it....I would believe them because hppiness is different to all of us. My question to all of you is how can we and why do we judge others happiness. This is something I really want to know.


  • At 8:13 PM, Anonymous musulmana said…

    Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu,

    I agree that as long as you don't teach your children haram, it's your perogative what you teach them.

    But I don't believe that you could teach your children things "so they can be prepared". If they ever ask me about polygyny, I'll explain the Quranic injunctions on it.

    Anyways, what I was saying is that you can never fully prepare a child. My parents are divorced and my mom remarried. I was never "told" it's okay to divorce. Ever. That is just life. Your parents are living it, you observe.

    Believe me, I tried to find someone that was "on the same page" as me, so that divorce wouldn't be an option. Allah (SWT) is the Best of Planners, but I did my part to make sure that I wouldn't marry a man that I had to divorce down the line. I didn't want that for my family. Although I managed fine growing up, but I did not want a broken family for my kids.

    SO, my point is, even if you tell your kids polygyny (or divorce) is okay, or not, your kids will LEARN BY EXAMPLE. And in the end, they may want a different life for themselves and that is okay.

    Oh, and by the same token, I do have in the back of my head that if my relationship even took a turn that I could not bear, then divorce is halal and doabble. And again, I would not advise anyone else to do this, because I don't walk in their shoes and vice-versa.

  • At 12:00 PM, Blogger Safa said…

    Well said, Musulmana! Masha Allah!


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