As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Saturday, June 02, 2007


How can all your fear get erased by a look. How can your heart be calmed by a hug? How can all the doubt vanish with just one word? Only with help from Allah, swt.
Truly this morning as I write this I can say AFTER HARDDSHIP comes EASE!!! I can say Allah IS great and merciful. I can say When you trust in what you know is right and do what you know is right even when it causes great pain. You will get the reward from it and the pain will go away.

I have just had one of the happiest day of my life. I spent the day with my wonderful co wife, my sister, my friend. I can say I love this woman. I feel no hardness in my heart for her, about her, because of her...... I just love her.

Now trust me when we met it was very awakward for everyone. We were both scared of the same thing and both feeling like why are we doing this. But my husband got us all in one room and the ice melted slowly. We began to open up more and more. we ate together and laughed together. It was very nice.

Later we took the kids to the park and then went to walk on the beach. You should have seen the stares from men looking at my husband walking in the middle of his two wives holding them both. You should have seen the happiness in my husbands face knowing all eyes were on him. He loved it.

The thing is it is not that any thing big happened. We didnt say anything huge or do anything big to make eachother feel good or happy. It just happened. We just let down our guards and enjoyed eachother.

Subannah allah when I saw her I was so nervous. I mean my heart stopped beating. I was angry because she was holing on to my husband. The first thing i thought was why is she doign this. then i thought the woman is scared and it is her husband. She has just been on a plane for the first time in her life. she had just left her family. She is in a strange place scared, unhappy, and lord know what else. SO why an I tripping. We walked to the car, and had a long, quiet drive home.

Once we got settled in she came out her room and I swear; I just thought I am not jealouse of her. I mean it just came that quickly. It didnt last but that was the first feeling of security for me came. then as time passed i again felt I am not jealous. I looked at her I mean really looked at her. Not at her features to see how pretty or ugly she is but just looked at her. I saw this woman that was a waman just like me.
She had everything I have nothing more or less.
She was no longer a threat.
There was no more wondering.
There was no more what if
Does she
IS she
how does
will it
will they
are they

All that was gone. with one good look all my questions went away.

I cant describe the feeling. It is like i remember all the pain I felt. I know i NEVER want to feel it again but the pain is gone and it is only a small memory.
Like when we have a baby. we know it hurt, we remember the pain we were in but some how Allah allows us to forget the exact degree of the pain becasue if we held on that pain and remember the true feeling of what it is like feeling your insides being ripped up and torn and having nothing you can do to stop it. We would never do it again. We would never have another child and never experience the joy that comes after.

This was what is was like for me. I remember all the things i felt. I know i was angry, hurt, and depressed. I know i felt like my heart had been ripped into many pieces. I know i felt that my world was ending and i had no way of stopping it. I know I felt that i was in so much pain and all i wanted to do was find a way to make it stop.
But now.I can say i remeber i felt that way but i dont remember the pain. I dont remember the exact feeling i felt. I know it hurt. But i cant feel it anymore.
and now all the pain and suffereng I went through was worth is.
I know in my heart, in my head, and in my sprit that I am happy. for the first time in a long time I am at peace.
Yes, I have had happy times in the past year but never have i had peace with it. and when you have both of those together ......... there are no words to describ it.

Anyway we prayed together and then went to the park. She played with the kids and we just sat and talked. My husband was happy for the first time happy. He was nervous and wanting to make both of us happy but this is the first time I have seen him at peace. His eyes and sprit had a different feel to it. HE was no longer havign to tear hisself in two. he was with both of us lovign us together. He was able to just sit and feel love from all directions. I mean the kids were lovign him, I was lovign him and so was she. This is what the big P is all about. Feeling loved, being cared for, having security, and knowing your place. we had all of that.

We were all loved and lovign each other.
we were all caring for and about each other.
we all had security. we knew and know that neither of us are going to take him away from us.
and we know our place.
he is OUR husband
We are HIS wives
They are the kids and it felt good.

Now i understand what my husband has been tellign me all this time. HE said the big P allows himt o love more, feel better about his self, allows himto get all the love he needs. Makes him feel better about his self.
Now i see it
He does love more. With us beign together he is not just loving one of us at a time .he loves us both at the same time. he can go in anyroom and see us. there are no more 3 hour plane ride and missing one and not feeling complete. The big P allows him to feel loved. because he is getting love all the time. He can just sit and get loved. he has two wives that love him dearly. what man would not want that. he is the man i feel inlove with again. HE is the man I thought I lost and would never see again. Now i see what he meant. it is not that I was not what he wanted becuse I was and I am. he just needed more, more than i could give, more of what i give, just more..and it is ok.......... becuase I needed more too....and now i have it. I have a sister, an auntie for my kids, a friend to talk to, a helper, a person that will understand me when i am mad cause what he does to me..he does to her........I have another person in my life that loves me......

Now i know this may make some of you say well it will change, you will get mad.and yes i will she will and he will......... but who cares..right now is all that matters...

right now...
i am loved
i am in love
i am happy
i am peaceful
i am loving myself
her and my kids
i feel good
girls I tell you LIFE IS GOOD


  • At 6:25 AM, Blogger hope said…

    Salam. I have to say, I just dont get it, but I dont want to say anything and bring you down. Instead, I pray your good feelings continue, inshaAllah, and may you all continue to love and be loved. Even if I dont understand, or dont agree, doesn't mean I cant wish the best for my sister.

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Safa said…

    "right now...
    i am loved
    i am in love
    i am happy
    i am peaceful
    i am loving myself
    her and my kids
    i feel good
    girls I tell you LIFE IS GOOD"

    You live in the NOW honey....enjoy deserve peace of mind.....say Alhamdulillah....

  • At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    As Salaamu Alaikum Sister...Maasha Allah I am so glad Allah has alllowed you to taste the sweetness of pologany after feeling the bitteress. Alhamdulillah after hardship comes two ease. Allahu Akbar. I want to get there one day but right now it just seems that it isn't happening but I am going to remain patient and know that it will happen with the permission of Allah. Have you moved back to Egypt or is she there in UAE? Alhamdulillah girl I am happy for you. May Allah continue to bless your family with khair ameen.

  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ok I just read your post over again because it makes me feel the need to open up my heart and try to be this way with my family. But anyway I see you said she just got on a plane for the first time in her life so that must mean she is there in the emirants with you.

  • At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    al hamdullilah, your positive attitude surely incites other women to be positive about it.

  • At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    salam ukhti. Am truly happy on your behalf. Make dua to Allah that He protects you from the ayn and he keeps you in this way feeling towards her and your hubby.


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