As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Monday, June 04, 2007

building bonds

I have been thinking about my last post. I know many people think it is not a good idea to have a relationship with a co wife, many believe that it is best just to keep it civil; and living in the same home is a big no no. I believe all of these situations can be true. I am not an advocate for living with a co wife. I have read many blogs and email from groups that talk about how horrible having a co wife can be. I know many women that dislike their co wife, and a few that are civil to them because they have to, and i know only a handful that get along very well and less than that that live in the same home.

I can say for ME the reason it is working is that we liked each other from our first conversation. I mean we just clicked. If we had met for any other reason we may have been friends anyway. Once we talked on the computer we both felt good about each other. So we had a good start. Things happened to mess things up. we had a person that was very jealous of what my husband had and tried to start problems for our family. He almost suceeded, however, we got pass all the lies and things got better.

When she arrived I was nervous becasue I didnt know how things would be. Most people will say when we fear the unknown it can make us very uneasy. That what it was like for me. I didnt have any answeres. I was allowing this woman to come into my home and I didnt know what to really expect. Many women think when a man marries again it is because he is not happy with the first wife and the second wife feels superior. Then you have a second wife that feels like she is inferior becuase the first wife has spent so much time with him and they already have a bond. So there was fear on both sides. I didnt know what she REALLY thought I only know what she told me.

Once we talked we both knew it was about our love for our husband. We both love him very much and even with our own insecurities we know he loves us. It was also about that fact that we both did not like spending months at a time without him. we wanted to spend time with him everyday. Yes, we could do that living next door. No we dont have to live int he same home. but the thing is it works for us. I am not saying it is a good thing for every relationship. I am not even saing it is a good thing period. What I am saying is for whatever reason we get along. We both said this is the happiest we have been in a long time or ever. She says she finally feels married and happy with him because he is more peaceful and relaxed. he is not worried and she knows I do not hate or dislike her.
Trust me we have had our monents but they have been silly things that didnt take but a few seconds to resolve. For the most part we are just developing our boundaries and building our friendship. My husband is also working very hard on being fair to both of us and showing us that he loves us both. HE sent us out together to get henna and we had a nice time. This is helping us build a friendship and have our own relationship seperate from him.

When we talked about him remarring I wanted someone I would like. I wanted to be friends with the person. I mean this woman will spend time with my kids. she will be a huge part of my life no matter what. I mean in reality she is the closes person to me. we share a husband. how much closer can you get. We share his love, his thoughts, his dreams, his body, his money or lack there of. who else in this world can i say that about. SO why not have this person and a friend. Why not have this person not be you enemy. why not have this person as be a woman you love.

If i spent the rest of my life being jealous of her, resenting her, disliking her, or always looking to find fault with her; what kind of life would I have. when I had hardness in my heart for her I was miserable. I felt like i was competing. I felt sad, depressed. and helpless. Once I got rid of those feelings I felt free. I fell relaxed. I fell happy. My life is peaceful.

I guess what I am saying is look at it like this. Polagamy can be beautiful. It requires work and it requires a person to swollow thier pride and humble themselves. It takes patience. It takes Allah.

Trust me with out much Dua this would not be happening.


  • At 6:46 PM, Blogger Safa said…

    Masha Allah, an excellent post! I like the way you sum it all up!!

  • At 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    everyones situation is not the same, but at the same time its good to learn from experiences that others have gone through. So do what works best for you but also keep in mind what others advise you sis.Always remember that she is your sis in islam and treat her as you would wish to have someone treat you. Share and b comfortabel with each other but also have limits to avoid jealousy or bad feelings later.

  • At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Ashley said…

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Masha'Allah, I am soooo proud of you. You are truly growing with this experience. Don't allow others to cloud your thoughts, and don't allow shaitan to come between your family.


  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Musleema said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 7:54 AM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.


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