YUP SAFA I AM THE MERCEDES
Yes safa that is how I feel. I am the old dependable car. The one he is used to the one he can depend on. The one that will get him where he has to go and do what needs to be done.........
She is the land crusier...she has the new car smell and like you said .WOWOW!!!!! but one day the land curiser will become like the mercedes it will lose the new car smell and he wont like "DRIVING " it so much.
In my case the land crusier is about to be traded in. Allahu alim
I do not know why men marry people they do not know. Like all, well most, of my comments said lust does not make a relationship. And this proved it to her anyway...
I spent 4 hours talking to my co the other day. My husband told me he was very unhappy with some things she had done and was thinking of sending her home and divorcing her. I told him to give her time and see what happens. so that night i spent 4 hours talking to her
I mean i talked to her like i would my daughter. I pored my heart out to her.
That night i knew this was the most ungreatful unislamic woman i had ever mmet.
she lied to my face yelling walahi I told her to please do not do that . I asked her if she knew what that word ment. she said yes but still continued to lie using the word.
I asked her why she was so unhappy she told me my husband was too hard on her. I asked her how ? she had no answer. I told her i see him bending over backwards to please you. I said to her to say alhumduiallah, I said we must be greatful for the things we have. She told me yeah yeah, we are suppose to say Alhumduillah and allahu akbar and Supannahallah but sometime it just aint like that........ Why say Alhumduillah when i dont feel it why say it when i want more........
I asked her what more does she want. She said she wants her OWN husband and she doesnt want him to love me anymore and she wants me to divorce him. She said yes i know that sounds bad and i eat your food , sleep in your house and this is your bed he loves me on but now I am having a baby and he should just be with me. he does not need you anymore.
I sat there speechless for about 10 mins. And even after that I tried to explain things to her. I tried to tell her how men are not like women and I know she is hurt and I know it is hard to love someone that loves someone else. I tried my best to make her understand even offered to give her more time with him
Am I crazy or what!!!!!!
I asked her if she needed to be in her own place. She said it is not living in the same house that is not working...it is just that He loves me. She thought that he didnt love me. She thought I would be fat and ugly and she thought he never touched me. SHe thought he was married to me out of obligation. She thought that she would come here and distroy my marriage and go back to egypt the only wife. She thought that she would have sex with him so much he would be to tired to be with me. She thought she would be loud and make me jealouse. I never heard her so she wasted her time with that one. She thought he would just see she is so great in bed he would leave me for that...... talk about young and dumb.......
I have been talking to my friends about this for a few days now I didnt get into all the details but today i just felt the need to let it all out. I mean why hold back. Why spare her image why ........... She came into my home with the intent to ruin my life. I offered her love and frindship. I had nothing but good in my heart........
All i want to know is why.
the thing is my husband wont be smart enough to say ok this is it. I will never marry again......... NOPE!!!
He will do it again. But this time I will have more of a say in this. I never want to deny him his right to have another wife. If he really feels he needs this is his life..... BUT this time there will be rules.
Inshaallah he will take a break and reflect on this huge mistake. Right now I am here as a shoulder to cry on. I am here again to help mend the wounds....Yup I am the old car, dependable, trust worthy, old faithful......but alhumduillah I am still here and even though this hurts me just as much as it is hurting him. I know this is taking me one step closer to Jennah inahaallah. It may be a baby step.........but each step counts
She is the land crusier...she has the new car smell and like you said .WOWOW!!!!! but one day the land curiser will become like the mercedes it will lose the new car smell and he wont like "DRIVING " it so much.
In my case the land crusier is about to be traded in. Allahu alim
I do not know why men marry people they do not know. Like all, well most, of my comments said lust does not make a relationship. And this proved it to her anyway...
I spent 4 hours talking to my co the other day. My husband told me he was very unhappy with some things she had done and was thinking of sending her home and divorcing her. I told him to give her time and see what happens. so that night i spent 4 hours talking to her
I mean i talked to her like i would my daughter. I pored my heart out to her.
That night i knew this was the most ungreatful unislamic woman i had ever mmet.
she lied to my face yelling walahi I told her to please do not do that . I asked her if she knew what that word ment. she said yes but still continued to lie using the word.
I asked her why she was so unhappy she told me my husband was too hard on her. I asked her how ? she had no answer. I told her i see him bending over backwards to please you. I said to her to say alhumduiallah, I said we must be greatful for the things we have. She told me yeah yeah, we are suppose to say Alhumduillah and allahu akbar and Supannahallah but sometime it just aint like that........ Why say Alhumduillah when i dont feel it why say it when i want more........
I asked her what more does she want. She said she wants her OWN husband and she doesnt want him to love me anymore and she wants me to divorce him. She said yes i know that sounds bad and i eat your food , sleep in your house and this is your bed he loves me on but now I am having a baby and he should just be with me. he does not need you anymore.
I sat there speechless for about 10 mins. And even after that I tried to explain things to her. I tried to tell her how men are not like women and I know she is hurt and I know it is hard to love someone that loves someone else. I tried my best to make her understand even offered to give her more time with him
Am I crazy or what!!!!!!
I asked her if she needed to be in her own place. She said it is not living in the same house that is not working...it is just that He loves me. She thought that he didnt love me. She thought I would be fat and ugly and she thought he never touched me. SHe thought he was married to me out of obligation. She thought that she would come here and distroy my marriage and go back to egypt the only wife. She thought that she would have sex with him so much he would be to tired to be with me. She thought she would be loud and make me jealouse. I never heard her so she wasted her time with that one. She thought he would just see she is so great in bed he would leave me for that...... talk about young and dumb.......
I have been talking to my friends about this for a few days now I didnt get into all the details but today i just felt the need to let it all out. I mean why hold back. Why spare her image why ........... She came into my home with the intent to ruin my life. I offered her love and frindship. I had nothing but good in my heart........
All i want to know is why.
the thing is my husband wont be smart enough to say ok this is it. I will never marry again......... NOPE!!!
He will do it again. But this time I will have more of a say in this. I never want to deny him his right to have another wife. If he really feels he needs this is his life..... BUT this time there will be rules.
Inshaallah he will take a break and reflect on this huge mistake. Right now I am here as a shoulder to cry on. I am here again to help mend the wounds....Yup I am the old car, dependable, trust worthy, old faithful......but alhumduillah I am still here and even though this hurts me just as much as it is hurting him. I know this is taking me one step closer to Jennah inahaallah. It may be a baby step.........but each step counts
posted by Livin_life_and loving_it @ 3:28 PM
17 Comments:
At 6:09 PM,
Safa said…
Her comment about destroying your marriage would have floored me. What more is there to talk about?
May Allah reward her for her intentions....however they deserve to be rewarded......ameen.
Look under ur feet, honey.....U TAKE A GOOD LOOK........I know it's under there.
At 6:20 PM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
I was florred for a few. I could not believe she was so heartless. And the thing is I didnt tell anyone not even him. I wanted to just let Allah handle it. However today i went from sad to angery to pissed. I still see him doign what he has to do for her and I just want to tell him what she said I just want to say do u really know who your married to...tghe only thing that keeps me from doing that is the fact that i know her days are numbered. SHe will be in Egypt and out of MY life. So I will let it go for now.....
Safa i am lookign under my feet all i see is the ground......... I guess i need to work harder...
At 6:29 PM,
Shabana said…
Subhan Allah. Man. You know, what struck me more than her two-facedness? The fact that in spite of your acceptance that you are no longer the "hot" one and how that made you feel, you still took the high road. You decided to be the better Muslima and accept the situation for the sake of loving your husband and loving Allah. And in the end who ended up being the better one? You did! Subhan Allah. It just proves that when you try to please people (or when your intention is something other than trying to please Allah) then NO ONE is pleased (in her case, not her and not husband). But if you try to please only Allah, then everyone is pleased.
She's "hot" and "new" but in spite of that, she still knows that what your husband has with you is more precious and she wants to take that from you...
I don't know...If I were you, I would tell my husband what she said. He should know that his wife was looking to destroy his marriage to you. On the other hand, it looks like he already has a glimpse into her character so maybe you could just let things play out on their own...
and SUBHANALLAH again, man. She was trying to be all loud, and somehow Allah prevented you from having to hear any of it.
May Allah keep your intentions pure and protect you from your co-wife's envy. Ameen!
At 7:44 PM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
Yes me not hearing her was truely from Allah. Becasue she has a loud voice naturally so I know if she was tryignt o be loud how it must have sounded. But this is all a test and Inshaallah I will pass it. The thing now is she is too sick to travel. I dont know if it is her or the drs. I am waiting to talk to my husband. All he said to me was I know we thought she was leavign but she is too sick to travel. What do I do. Am I to be the strong one again......... I am not this strong...not today....today i am fed up. Pray for me
At 9:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
As Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah:
Wallahi, this is one of the top reasons why may polygynous relationships have problems. INTENTIONS. Each wife has no idea of the REAL intention of the other one. But when it becomes clear. WATCH OUT FOR THE EVIL!!! And usually bringing it up to the husband makes him resort to the "Your are jealous and that is normal for women to be jealous in this situation...". That is although you maybe be speaking with daleel and common sense.
The more pious wife tries desperately to get over all the jealousy ect only to find that because their co-wife is so cut throat that she is doing things right under the husband's nose and he is really none the wiser of the true extent of her deceitful ways because he is enjoying himself sexually and in other ways.
Sister, keep doing what you are doing. Be the better person and Allah will surely reward you. Advise your husband in the best possible way and make du'a that the situation is rectified. Use du'a as the powerful weapon that it truly is. Men are weak and cave easily when it comes to weighing sex and companionship against reason. I think we all know that. So we as women have to do what we can to keep ourselves seeking the pleasure of Allah at all times. May Allah make it easy for us ameen!
At 12:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
I definitely think you should tell your husband, if at no other time than after she leaves so he can understand how women can be and how he must act the next time and why you deserve to be more involved.
At 1:05 PM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
I want to tell him but at this point I think he will not see it. HE will find a way to excuse her behaviour. I even had one sister write a comment why blame her.......how a person can say That I do not know. I can blame her i blame her for comming into my home tryign to distroy my life
i blame her for lying
i blame her for comming here under false pretenses
i blame her for the words she used
i blame her for her actions
who else can i blame for HER actions and sayings..him???
NO i blame him for rushing into marriage with a woman he sis not know anything about......... but that is a far cry from anything she did....
At 6:21 PM,
UmmAbdurRahman said…
I wonder where she got this idea that you were fat and ugly, or he was married to you out of obligation?
Who put these ideas in her head? Did they come from nowhere?
I wonder if her family knows that he is married to two women?
I have seen a lot of deception involved when muslim men seek polygyny. They are either lying to the first wife about what's going on or they are lying to the second wife trying to get a sob story about how bad he has it with the first.
I'm not saying this is what happened in your situation, but It kinda makes you wonder.
It also dispells the idea of the "good arab wife" who does everything for her husband and follows all things islamic doesnt it?
At 12:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
I think the blame should be shared equally. Your husband, the co wife and you have all played a part in creating unnecessary difficulty in your lives. It was not good for your husband to rush into marriage, but it was also not a good use of common sense on your part to allow your husband to bring his young wife into your home where your family resides . Even if she was the sweetest and most pious woman, her youth was going to show in her actions eventually. And your co wife has to take the blame for marrying into polygyny with bad niyya.
I think you should tell your husband. Call me mean, but she'd have to leave my home immediately. I dont care how sick she is. I can't believe she admitted all of that to you that seems so heartless. She didn't have to tell you that stuff. And the noise is the real killer. What if your kids heard it? Eww, thats nasty. I'd would haved dropped her behind off at the nearness motel that night.
At 12:30 AM,
PM said…
Ok but I have to step in here. You don't realy know what your husband said to her that led her to form these ideas. My husband lied shamelessly so that I did in essence have the same general idea about his relationship with his other wife. Sure I didn't go and say -- or even think -- all the ugly things your cw did, but certainly he told me it was a matter of weeks before they would be divorced and even if they weren't he would live with and love me only. He would stay married if necessary so he would have "free access" into her home where his kids lived.
Sure, I was a fool and sure it turned my life upside down when I found out that he loves his "mercedes" and didn't plan on parking it in the garage anymore. But eventually I have come to accept it and make my life reveolve around other things than him. Whether our marriage will last or not -- who knows? But I am sure that their's will. One thing is that I am happy now and insha'Allah so is my husband's other wife.
At 8:16 AM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
Ok the idea came from her. SHE saw me on the internet. The times she did see me I was covered and from my camera you can only see my chest up. my boobs are huge and I look like i weigh over 300 my mother even said that for some reason on yahoo i look way bigger than i do on aol. Then her idea of why he was married to me out of obligation was her idea too. She thought like many women if he wants another wife there must be something wrong....she thought i was fat so he possibly could not want to touch me so he was just married to me out of pity because i am older and needy.there were her words.....
one of the first things she said to me when she arrived was i look so different than i did ont he computer.she did know i was so pretty.
then when she figured out not only did he love me like she knew.she aways said my husband loved me more than her...but she thought sex apeal and youth would matter more in the end, she found out yes he does also have sex with me.......this is what made her trip.she thought she was the only one. so then she tried to make it where he could not have sex with me because she was tryign to do it all the time so he would be very tired.......
so where did she get her thoughts her........her....again, her
and does her family know she is married
yes
i have talked to them
they have seen me online
they know i have kids
nothing was hidden from them
her
friends
anyone
this is another reason why she dopes not want to go home
her family now disowned her becasue she came here to my home snd disrespect me. her mother told me she will never forgive her for this. and this was before she told me all the crazy stuff. this is when she went crazy 2 weeks ago.
told her family lies about me. alhumduillah they didnt believe her once they thought about what she said.
at first they did but then they called me and asked me what really happened....and appologsed to me and told me she is not to be trusted...this is her own mother..........
her mother said make her get a job and get her out my home.
At 8:35 AM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
also she is not that young. she is just younger than me
she is almost 30 her birthday is in 2 months. so to say it was my fault for allowing a young girl to come into my home is just wrong..she is a grown woman.....she knew what she was doing....and no this was not a permanant situation. this was only goignt o last until the summer end of september at the most unless things happened to make it different.
And living together was NOT NOT NOT the problem. she came here with these ideas.so even if she went into her own home she still
she came here wanting to distroy my marriage
she came here with an evil heart
she came here mean, a liar, with low emam, and with contempt for me.
no one can be blamed for her actions but her
maybe she would not have had easy access but she still would have been a problem.
yes i allowed her to come into my heart and home
but for some reason this makes me a bad guy.........
WHY???????
becasue i did what most are not willing to do
accept the other woman with love and open arms....
why is that so bad
i did it and i will do it again
not beacsue i am dumb, not becasue i need my husband so much, not because i have low self esteem.
i have a job as a matter of fact a great one that i will start this fall...... i can take care of myself and my kids very well ALONE.
i have been married before and lived with losing a husband. i saw my husabdn die in my arms
If i can live through that i can surely live through divorce...
but because i know not all woman are like her and there are woman that think like i do. there are some woman that do not come into a marriage thinking they r saving the husband. they do not feel they are the better wife.
they will be happy to become part of a family.
they will be happy to have a co wife, me that does not resent her, does not wish her and ill feelings, does not want to see her marriage fail but rather grow and suceed.....there has to be a woman out there like this.may be not many..but there has to be at least one..... I know it because this is my Dua and I make it reguraly and I know Allah listens to them and inshaallah one day he will grant me this prayer
i know it is better to get along than feel hate in my heart for a person that is so important to my family. To have any ANY ill feeling for her is not good for me no good for ME AT ALL!!!
because i know i am strong than that.even when i feel I am not.
becasue i know ALLAh knows my heart if no one else does
BEcasue i know me even if you all do not agree....
At 8:37 AM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
oh and by the way she did not coem back into my home yesterday when she got realesed from the hospital she went somewhere else. I do not know where and at this point i do not care.
there was no way i could allow her to come back here.
i tried to be bigger than that but i could not.
so you see even i have my limits and i know them....
At 8:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
Assalamu Aleikum wa rahamtulahi wa barakatuhu,
Sister, you are taking this too much to heart. Your husband married this woman, you did not.
His relationship with her is different from his relationship with you. He should explain that to her.
You took my last comment wrong. I said that it was your husband's fault because he brought her into his life and into your home. It is his wife, not yours, and only he can can correct her, etc. You are not related to her in any way, except as a sister in Islam, the same way you and I are connected. Even if you choose to see it like a bigger bond, really, there isn't any obligation towards each other. The obligation is your husband's towards both of you, separately.
Perhaps your co-wife was trying to be honest with you and tell you what she really thought was going on, she could've lied to you and maneuvered the situation anyway.
You are hurt and you are entitled to be hurt, but don't exonerate your husband completely.
Whatever it is, it is not your fault, so don't sweat it. It is your husband's doing and it is up to him to "fix" things.
Insha'Allah, all the best to you. Really.
At 9:53 AM,
Livin_life_and loving_it said…
oh trust me I blame him BIG time!!!!
I dont blame him for wanting a wife
but i blame him for how he does it
I blame him for NOT thinking things out
I blame him for not listening to me until it is too late
I blame him for rushing into everything.
yes i married him quickly also, however i talked to him hours at a time
we made a plan to get to know each other before we became really married. we made a contract so we could spend time alone with each other and got to know each other before we became really married.
i met his family he met mine
i got to meet his kids he got to know mine.
i knew what he was and he knew me then we decided ......and it took a LONG time but then we decided to be really married and this is why I know him
but now he has this rush rush i have to have another wife thing going on
part of me understands it
he thinks he is getting old and his chances of findign a wife are not that great and he has alot of health issues that may make many women run from him.
so he feels liek any woman that even looks interested he has to jump on
i have told him to wait on Allah but men this withtheir wrong heads many many times...
i blame him for these things
so trust me he is not smiling at me right now cause i am VERY upset at him for how he is handeling this
and please do nto say do not take this to heart becasue this is very painful
no she didnt tell me this to ease her mind she told me this so i would get fed up and say you know what it is not worth it and divorce him... she did lie many many ,any many ,any times
every day she lied. the thing is each day the lies just got bigger.
she told me i need to let her have HER husband I stole HER HUSBAND!!!!
now she is pregnant and she needs him alone
i do not have kids with him so i do not need him
just let them go peacefully
so please do think she was being nice in any way shape or form
At 10:45 PM,
PM said…
Salaam Alaikum,
Sister, do you not want anyone to speak their mind in response to your posts? Do you wnat us to just cluck and say "oh you poor dear"? Because I distinctly get the idea that you are angry at us for the ideas we are trying to raise. Frankly, I would not even bother but you are my sister in Islam and I don't want you to hurt.
You say your husband is older and that he has some disabilities. You also say that you work and contribute to your support. That is all good, al hamdulillah. But you also write as if your husband will marry another if he divorces this one. And regardless of whether he divorces her or not he will be linked to her through their child, who he must support. I am not so sure there can be a swift and complete break but allahu alim.
I do think there is a lot to be said for a man who wants to wives to be able to meet all their needs and in many cases I think it works best when their lives are all kept separate. At least if she is not in your home, that is a step in the right direction.
One last thing. I am not impressed by the actions of her parents speaking so poorly about her to you. It is one thing to commiserate with you and apologize for her bad behavior but another to talk so ugly about their own daughter. That implies to me that there is something lacking in their parenting that they would take the attitude they have. Don't you love your kids unconditionally? I do with mine. Sounds like this woman doesn't have a good grasp of what family means and I have to wonder who is to blame. What a shame for all involved.
At 7:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
PM, you've raised some excellent points. Again, we have another Muslim diving head first into a marriage (mind you marriage is not the same as dating, or seeing or anything non Muslims do) commitment while he nor the woman he has selected were prepared to be married. This is wrong through and through.
And I'm sorry, but yes, I do believe the living arrangements were and is a bad judgement call on your part. You were speaking good words on your blog about your cowife right after you spoke with her when she was living in Egypt. It wasn't until you all cohabitated under roof that she revealed her true self to you. Women who are not from the same bloodline have no business living in the same house sharing a husband and that that entails. It's disgusting and shameful that she admitted to you that she tried to be loud during intercourse, but what IF you or your children both heard? What if was not intentional? And you know what I can understand her irrational behavior. Maybe your husband told her that you all were not involved intimately anymore or maybe he told her that he wasn't attracted to you. You say he didn't, but you weren't there. If he did tell her those things and then she got there and found out the he lied, that is enough to push most womens over the edge. Of course she was dead wrong for coming to you like that but, can you imagine her situation?? How do you know that she hasn't heard you and your husband being intimate? That could have provoked her to do what she did in return.
I also think shame on her parents for bad mouthing there daughter to you. That isn't something that most Egyptians would do. It seems very alien to their culture and that suggests in my mind that they themselve may have a plethora of familial issues.
It's seems very messy. Of course you can't change a man. The only person you have control over is you. You can change you and be more selective about who you allow in your life or you can stay the same and continue to deal with these same episodes again again and hope and pray that the rest of your deen is perfected enough that these extra tests will be enough to earn your entry into jannah.
Then again, if they're not earning you extra reward you wish (and Allah knows best) would you think going through all of this was worth it?
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