ALLAH IS MY HAPPINESS

As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Sunday, July 01, 2007

WHY CHANGE THE NATURE OF A MAN

I AM DOING THIS SO MAYBE PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND ME A BIT BETTER.


When I say my husband will no doubt try to get married again if and when he divorces this wife I am not saying this out of anything he said directly but more from my own life experiences.

For me I have seen my great grand parents

Get married because of a pregnancy and then divorce as soon as she gave birth. One week later he remarried a woman he was dating while he was married to my great grand mother.

i see my grand parents divorce because my grand father cheated on her so many times she stopped counting. This man is 80 and until recently has a girlfriend my age. He has always had not just a woman but WOMEN.
this is his nature.
now he has decide to practice Islam, Alhumduillah, and remarry my grandmother because he says he sewed all his wild oats. HE knew back then he could have married other women in Islam but he did not want that life style then. While he was Muslim he did not practice. Now he has started and wants to make a mends with his family for tearing them apart and not being there for them when they were children and to give what ever time he has left to my grandmother whom he has always loved and adored but could not change his nature for no matter how hard he tried
this is a man that every birthday he was with her all 40 yrs they have been divorced. this is a man that gave her his last each and every time she was in need. This was a man that would never move to far from her so he could in his own way protect her. He was there for us grand kids and great grand kids. But think of what could have been if they had stayed married. If for whatever reason she could have accepted being a co wife or he didn't feel like it was wrong to have 2 wives but ok to have 2,3,4 girlfriends...... the logic here is screwed up. My grand mother spent 40 yrs loving this man from afar wanting to be his wife ......if only.......if only he could just love only her....... so she spent yrs depressed, unhappy and alone...........
this is not the life i want.

then my own parents........
well my dad is a DOG with capital letters.

my mother caught him cheating the week they got married and by the time i was 2 she was so fed up she threw him out a window. He spent several years excuse my language but Whore hopping from woman to woman until he married my first step mom and then he only cheated every now and then. my second step mom was into husband sharing but not as a wife only as a one time thing. she would allow him to go out and as she said "do his business" a few times a year no questions asked. I am sorry...ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

My mother spent her life alone, unhappy , depressed, and a single mom. She did not remarry until late in life. She suffered a great deal because she longed for companionship from a man but didn't get many offers. She was "used goods with a child" she did the best she could but as she got older she said to me maybe being able to accept my dad with another woman would have been better than the life she and I had. She loved him very much and even though he was only Muslim to marry my mom, if he had chosen to marry again instead of cheat things would have been better for us.

my uncles are also dogs...MUSLIM DOGS

one had a girlfriend kill herself because of his cheating.....
the other had a baby outside of his marriage...
then I have aunts.......on both sides non Muslim

man please they run threw men like underwear....most times because they cheated on them.....i cannot count the times i heard them say that no go good so and so he was with.that B****.

My aunt that is on my moms side that is Muslim her husband remarried and she divorced him. She THOUGHT she could not handle it. She never even tried. She never even gave it a chance. Her children grew up with him she was left alone. How sad is that. She later regretted her choice and they did remarry; but look at the time she lost.

My friends that are not Muslim please they have divorced because of cheating. Not all my friends but alot of them.

I know I am not the only woman in the world that knows of people that have been cheated on, lied to, and whatever else men do.

so not I am not looking for a person to agree with me and say oh poor baby....
what I want is for people to understand and say oh this is why.......

she ain't crazy
she just sees that a man if it is in his nature will have more than one woman.....i am not saying all men are like that......but for the ones that are...if you are lucky or unlucky enough to marry one of them you have to think and think hard......you have to either b e willing to accept what they are and not kid your self into thinking it is a phase....cause my grand dad is 80 like i said.....or know that you cant deal and remove yourself from it.

for me I would rather accept it because deep down i know what i have. Yes he gets on my last nerve
yes he is sick alot of times
no he does not work but he lives off money he won from the law suit for being smashed between ad bus a tow truck and his monthly disability. so like i said he makes more than some that have jobs.
yes he acts like a boy wanting to be a man at times
yes his wants are bigger than his needs
yes he should wait on Allah
Yes he should do many things

but the fact is
he LOVEs Allah
He prayes each and every day.sunnah, and everything else
he pays zakat
gives suddakah
does dawah work
he is good to me most times
he tries to guide me in Islam giving me advice
classes
information
making sure my kids learn arabic and Quran
making sure my son learn what he needs to learn as a young boy, and young man
teaches him duas
teaches him how to pray correctly
teaches him how to behave in a Mosque
teaches him how to do many thing
he shows my daughters he loves them
spoiled my baby rotten
takes them out
gives them flowers
takes them out for daddy daughter time

these are things that are important to me and i do not see why i should give them up because he has this on flaw, grant it is a big huge flaw but its a Halal one none the less.

No i did not have to allow her to live in my home, but i am still glad i did. Even with all the drama I know in my heart what i did was good for me. I believe she was just the wrong person. no matter if she was in my home or her own.
It allowed me to see how strong i really am
it allowed me to love harder than i ever have
it allowed me to depend on Allah more than i ever have
and more than that my kids didnt know anything was wrong......they didnt even know how hurt i was. So to them they still think good of the big "P".

so for me i would rather accept that this man i have si the way he is. I will not try to change him. I will accept him. love him and support him and whoever he decides to marry if he does remarry....... maybe he wont.....but i will not be the one trying to talk him out of it.
yup i scream I am done cause i am human i do have feelings and at times i feel like i just cannot do it or why should i do it.

then i think and i know why I do
this life is short
why sweat the small stuff
after having my husband die in my arms i know life is too short to waste on things you cannot change.
love hard while you can
let people know u love them
give while you can
pray while you can
cause once your gone it is too late

now i do have a few positive men

my mothers husband
Allah should have bottled him. He would NEVER think of marring anyone. she is the kindest man and puts my mother first. HE has from day one. Her needs come before his.
but not all of us are that lucky.
not all of us will ever come close.

my mothers best friend have been a co wife for over 17 yrs
my mothers friend was the 1 wife and she opened her home and heart to the other woman.
yes she said it was an adjustment but it all worked out well and they love each other and are best friends.
they live in the same home an Love it.
they have a bond and they dint let petty things get in their way
this man loves and adores them both
he treats them well
and they in return are happy

this is what i want to achieve.

4 Comments:

  • At 3:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    :Sigh: You're right, you live what you learn. It's hard to break a pattern that has been engrained in your head, body, and soul. For women who have experienced from childhood that men cheat or need more than one wife, they often grow up and attract and also maybe even unconciously desire men who have those same patters because that's what they know, that's what they learnt. When the cheating, lying, womanizing comes up, they're not caught off guard. In fact, it's familiar, almost comforting to say, 'yeah, I knew you were like that'.

    To change the pattern and find and attract a better/ different type of man, women who come from such backgrounds themselves have dig deep inside themselves and do better. Allah says in Surah ar rad that he doesn't change the condition of a people until they change that which is in themselves.

    I don't neccessarily believe that it is the nature of a man to marry more than one. Sleep with maybe, but marry, no. Sleeping with different women isn't apart of Islam, yet those Muslim men who love sleeping with different bend and abuse polygyny inorder to NOT confront and control their issues.

    Islam is a way of life. The whole purpose of practicing Islam is so that we can have the tools to better and rid ourselves from those issues in our lives that bring us further from Allah.

    I don't understand how you think your grandma would have been better with your grandfather all those years. It's mind boggling. Allah says that give something up for His sake alone (and she had more than enough reasons to give him up) than He will replace it with better.

    Sister, that isn't in material things, that's in everything. That's a promise from Allah and it wonderful that you say she loved him, and yet still she turned away from him rather than stay by his side with him mistreating his Lord, himself, her and his children.

    No, we love completely for the sake of Allah and we hate completely for the sake of Allah.

    Muslim mistreating and hurting and neglecting their muslim wives and children is not okay. It's displeasing to Allah. And never, ever will I accept as a Muslim woman that I have to be hurt, abused, neglected or treated any way I disapprove of in order to receive a few crumbs for some man. Allah is the Lord, and He is the only one that mankind has to bow and submit to without any discussion. Everyone else, we Muslim women have a right to consult and discuss with about the things we need, want and disaprove of.

    You related a sad story about your family, about the women in your family. They're so different than the women in my own. My grandparents have been married 60 years, no cheating and and no secrets. I know this because my father still boasts of Mashallah.

    The seeds of self worth and self esteem grow according to who planted them and what they used to nourish them.

    Inshallah, I want my Muslim children, whether they're girls or boys, to know and understand the importance of treating the Muslims good, in all affairs. In the same way no man wants his own mother's heart to be stepped on, he shouldn't step on his wife/wives hearts.

    We to break the cycle some where, almost, isn't good enough.

     
  • At 11:33 AM, Blogger Wisdom Lover said…

    Well said... I can't believe I'm the first one to comment: should I wait for the others? Had this been a stereotypical "Men Are Bastards" post, you'd have been flooded with "You said it, sister!!!" supportive comments. However, this was too much reality for many to handle. You stand out alone. Well, almost, I'm sure there are some women out there like you. I'm not sure if they have blogs, though. I commend you on your courage, your willing to tell it like it is, and I hope you have wonderful life with your husband and any (and every) future co-wife. Amen.

     
  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

     
  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger Livin_life_and loving_it said…

    The reason I said my grandmother may have been better of is becasu e even after all the hurt SHE said SHE STILL LOVED HIM. Not me!! these are her words. SHE said she may haev been better off.

    She said that many ,any times. She said she let pride and emotions distroy her marriage. She thinks maybe if she would have stuck by him and helped him learn more Isam and take another wife then her family would have been in tack.

    NOW ME HECK NO do I think that. HE was a male whore. I think maybe if he was incline to practice Islam then MAYBE things would have been different. but more than likely not. His nature was to be a dog.... Period!!!!

    Yes he loved her but not enough to even try to change
    yes he was there for her but not enought to give her the love she needed

    maybe now both of their hearts will mend when they remarry next month. Allahu alim
    I am just happy to see him WANT to practice Islam better late than never. I am happy to hear my mother say he wants to pray now and he wants to learn things. So inshaallah they will have a happy life together.

     

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