As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Friday, April 27, 2007

Wow 10 day since i last posted. Either life has been really good or it ihas been really bad.

The thing that has been on my mind is life and how short it is. We sometimes forget this. At any moment we can be taken away and that is the end. If I look at my like lately and think about all the time I have WAISTED thinking about how hurt I am or how my husband did or did not do something. I spend WAY too much time thinking about him and my feelign fo rhim. WHAT about my feeling for ALLAH?
I wake up sometimes with thought of my husband and this wife. I think about how thing went , may go, when , if , what if, how much, and the list goes on. I do not remember a day when i woke up thanking Allah for just being alive. I do not remember a day when i had a free time and Allah popped into my head. I do think it seems liek when I am understress and need help form him.
When I should do thins automatically. I should wake up and praise him, Not just pray and then think of my husband and our problen, his problems or their problems. I should think of how wonderfula nd great Allah is.
So thins is what I plan to do. No it will not happen overnight but it will happen inshaallah.
I have started by praying all prayers with all sunnahs. I think this is a start for me. I usually only do the sunnah prays in t he morning and maybe the ones after magrib. On fridays at jummah i do sunas but that is it. So now i will inshaallah do them all. This will make me at least think of allah more during the day. then I plan to read more. I used to love to read islamic things but I do not do it as much.
My next thing is to stop working. Then I can spend time doign the things I talked abotu doing when i moved over seas, Learing Quran, goign to classes for fiq, Learnign more hadiths..the list goes on. Alhumduillah my kids are doing these things but what abotu me. I need this for myself. My kids know more suras than I do. This is sad. They go to class everyday from asr to magrib they have in the last 2 yrwars learnd more things than I have. Masha allah I am proud of them and happy they like learning, but what kind of survant of allah am I to not do the same for myself.

As for my life it is just that MY LIFE. I have my ups and downs. But as long as Allah keeps me alive I will deal with them. Inshaallah just now maybe they wont consume me.

Sunday, April 15, 2007


Why is it that men make things harder than they have to be?

why cant they be honest?

why is it when they get caught in their web of lies and deciet they cant handle it but expect the person they lied and decieved to to just be ok an d act like nothing ever happened?

why is it that Allah gave so much trust, honor, responsibility to a group of people that for the most part do not deserve it and can not handle it?

I have come to understand that pologny is not a hard thing. It can be but if done right it is ok. However, these men are the ones that make it bad. Plural marrages the way it is suppose to be done is a good thing. It can give a woman w/o a husband a good man. It can give a high maitenace man someone else to bother when one woman has had enough. It can increase the ummah, and many more things. But these men , not all but MOST mess things up. They lie and say they are not married, lie an ddont tellthe first wife abou tthe second marriage, lie and say well i dont love the first wife, lie and say i am only married to the second with for sex casue we live in seperate contries, lie about their jobs, lie to make them seem so pious, lie to themselves believing they are stong enough in islam, or mentally strong enough, or physicall strong enough to handle one woman let alone more.


How do you survie a marriage started with a lie??
How do you then trust and respect that man knowing he dieceved you?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


I remember when My husband and I started talking about him getting a wife. I remember that pain I felt in my heart. It has so deep. I wanted to learn how to deal with this pain. I joined a yahoo group. It helped me alot. It showed me the type of polygony relationships what work the best. How to deal with issues and how to become more dependant on Allah. It also made me sad. It showed me how selfish men and can and how mean and heartless that can be. I was so depressed by reading some of the post because they made me cry for days.

Then i started reading a post from a stronger woman. She had so much strength and faith in ALLAH it surprised me. I wanted to be like her. I knew if she could do this I could. Her husband has horrible. He had given her V.D., Married all kinds of women, made her suffer and do without because he wanted to marry, and the list goes on. But with all of that she maintained that her marriage was good and he was doing what was halal. I would sometimes read her and think is she for real.No way!!! Sometimes i would read her and think why don't you just leave him others I would just cry because she was so strong. No matter what I thought her main thought was no matter what he does he will have to answer to Allah for it. So why should she worry about it.
This is what I want for myself. I am not going to allow him to walk over me.......NOT!!! but, I am not goign t o get as upset about things and just let Allah deal with him. I noticed since he has been here That i do not get so sad or upset like I used to. I may feel a tingle but I let things go Very quickly. I like this because i don't have wasted emotions. I am not all in a knot because of something he did or said. My time with him has been good for the most part. I am enjoying him and so are the kids. I just wish I didn't have to work next week.
Another thing i saw was there are two relationship that work best. One where the co - wives are on a give you salams and that is it relationship or good friends working as family. I made up in my mind I wanted a family relationship. I used to tell him from what I see they work the best. I want to be friend with her and let our love for you not over take us because we are wondering whats going on over in the other house. My husband was against it. he would say yes, but do things that let me know he didn't think it was a good idea.
When he got married last yr. i wanted to talk to the woman, but I never did. She was not keen on a relationship with me. She wanted to make fitnah and destroy her marriage and try to mess with mine also. After that I kind of didn't want to be friends with a co. I thought forget it. These women are ruthless and I will just give salams. However, my feelings now have changed.
This woman alhumduillah is like me. She really has a good heart and sweet personality. we talked and this time she talked to the kids. She was so happy just being a part of our family. I see why my husband is happy with her. He says we are so much alike. I see that in some ways but others not so much. One she will take things I wont and cant.....H E likes to feel like he is the boss, i allow him to feel that in some ways but others I have to have my say and I voice my opinion and it is strong. She on the other hand is not like that. she jumps when called and listens to him fussing. She is OK with that and it makes her happy so who am I to complain. She wants us to be a big family and spend time with each other and just act like sisters. She kept telling me she needs to have dh happy with her and she wants me to make him happy. he needs to be happy with us and we have to make him so happy. because he love us and we are lucky. Now in my twisted head I was like Yeah what ever, you are just in the honeymoon stages and you are just happy anyway. Then i thought yeah she is so happy because he saved her from a miserable like. She had it bad. Didn't eat well, barely slept, didn't have a bed of her own, was used by her family as a maid, nanny, and doormat. So any life she has she is happy for.
Then i started to think. We are lucky. Yeah he has his faults, we all do. But deep down he really wants what is good and is striving to become closer to Allah and wants to bring us on the journey with him. HE loves us both dearly. He is happy with with of us. He is someone I can laugh with. HE is someone that I can be myself with. When I allow him he helps me and protects me from myself. He knows me and put up with my mess. I am lucky. Many men are wayyyyyyyyy worse that him. I have been married before and truly loved that man. He was nice, kind and gently. But when I compare the two I have to say in many ways I lucked up because I have two very different men but two good men. However, I would have to say I prefer this one. I have more passion for him. Now i know this is not always a good thing. But he bring things out in me I didn't know I had. After my husband died. I didn't sleep well for a long time. Every time I closed my eyes I heard the sound he made when he was dying. I had to sleep with the t.v. on or some type of loud noise. The day I spoke with my husband I turned my t.v off and when to sleep . He had an immediate calming effect in my like and still has a way of making things seem better. I knew Allah sent him to me. No it has not been easy and it took a long time to do this relationship right. But alhumduillah it is getting there step by step.
So thins young girl has more wisdom that I do. She knows our husband loves us and she knows her duties as his wife. She is happy with what ever he throws at her. She is married and loves it. She sees me not a a threat but as a woman that loves her husband and is happy that we make him happy. she is just happy to be a part of real love. Wow, how blessed am I ...........I have asked and begged Allah for a woman like her, when he gave her to me. I had a heart of stone. I didn't know what I had. Now i see the beauty in her spirit and will Cherish it.
She gave me a gift, a heart, well it was 2 she said it was from their hearts to my heart. because they both love me. ......What a blessing

Friday, April 06, 2007

I shock myself

Well he made it. we had a nice talk last night. Nothing special but it was nice to talk face to face and not on a computer or phone. It is so important for me to have this always. I know this is the cause of so much of our problems. I need him with me. I need to comfort that I can only get when he is with me. When he is talking to me and touches me I know no problem is too big.

I felt peace and loved and happiness last night. My nightmare turned into a commercial. It is not constant and it is much smaller. No, I am not happy she is pregnant. However, I am happy for them. I loved being pregnant . I loved everything about it. I remember when i had all of my children each one. I remember how happy i was to find out and how much i enjoyed each moment of each day having a new life grow inside of me. I know now how it feels to be a mother and the Love i have for my kids and receive from them.
Who am I to not want that for her. How selfish can I be to make me the center of this. How selfish am I to not allow them the full happiness they can have with expecting their first child. Nope I will not be sad. Nope I will not cry. Nope I will not feel like my world has ended.
My husband loves me. He wants me as his wife. He want me with him....none of that changed because she is pregnant. The only thing that has changed is the size of our family inshaallah.
From this day on she is my sister in just in Islam but inshaallah in my heart my true sister. their child will be my family. I will be auntie.
Yeah i will have my moments but I will overcome them. I will more forward and feel blessed that my husband married a wonderful woman.


Tuesday, April 03, 2007

My nightmare

This road is long. When i feel like I can handle it something happens that makes me feel like I cant. The thing is I have to make this work. I love this man so much. I want to be married to him. I sat and looked at him and thought to myself no this is not the life I chose but this is the man I chose. I Have to live with the choice I made. I do love him. I do need him. WHen i think about all we have been through I can not imagine just walking away from it. We have had so many bad time but we over came them. Why does this seem so unbearable? Why does this seem so hard.?How do I fix my heart? Right now it seems broken into tiny pieces. My heart aches in places I never knew could feel pain, but with all of the pain I still love. How is that?

I just feel like she is the one that I have to share my heart with and now she has taken a bigger part. I dont have a whole heart anymore she took it. SHe moved into it and added a baby . I only have a small peice I guess I have to learn to be greatful for that small piece. But why is my pices getting smaller and my love for him is still so big.

Monday, April 02, 2007

we talked

last night i talked to my co. It was crazy. I was so nervous and she was very excited. We talked twice. Once it was very quick. I was in shock. so I didn't have much to say. so we made plans to talk after isha. We talked again and it was a bit better. She seemed like a nice person. She was very happy with our talk and we seems to be alike in some ways. we made the same jokes about the husband and seem to have the same views about alot of things. All and aqll it was good

The one thing I took away from our talk was peace of mind. Not total peace but for some reason the next day I felt good on the inside. I just kept remembering how happy she was and how we laughed together. She sees me as her family. I like that. My husband told me the next day that she was so Happy that i liked her. That was important to her. He said I have been all she has talked about since we talked. She cant wait to meet me and the kids and spend time with us.
I told him I was happy also something I don't know what but something made me feel peaceful. I do not feel the hardness in my heart anymore. I am not in love with the girl. But maybe i am on my way to healing. Maybe I am on my way to accepting this and knowing that she is a part of my life and she is no threat. On the other hand a part of me is sad for the same reasons. I know and accept that she IS a part of our lives and she is not going anywhere.

She is just a woman just like me. A woman that loves her husband and wants to be happy.