As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, This is my life…this is my world the way “I” see it. It may not be nice and most times it is not pretty. However, it is what it is. This is what I am looking for…to live my life…..and love it……..accept it…..the good the bad……and all the ugly. You heard of love the skin you in…..Well I wanna LOVE the Life Im in…..

Thursday, November 29, 2007


My wedding is off. Not forever inshaallah but for now. The heart is funny. No matter what happenes. I am glad I met a special man and that he touched my life
If I never marry him my life is richer just for knowing him..........


Friday, November 23, 2007

How to plan a wedding

I dont have a clue!!!!!


My wedding will be very small but I want something I will remember forever. I want the right dress, the room to be perfect. It will just be my family and maybe less than ten friends. We are going to get married in my home. Other than these few things............Im lost!!!!!!!



Sunday, November 18, 2007

Love from Allah, swt

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquility that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah , "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72) Only our Almighty Allah in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

How do we do these things. First we must grow stronger in Islam. If each of you have a strong foundation in Islam you will water and nurture each other with the words of Qur'an. You will feed each others souls. The most important thing any couple can do is find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah will always result in having more peace at home.

Having maintenance.... To me this means to make your spouse feel secure. to maintain her not only financially but emotionally. Always try your best to be good to your wife/ husband by words and by deeds. Talk to her/ him, smile at her/him, seek her/his advice, ask for her/his opinion, spend quality time with eachother and always remember that the Prophet,swt, said "the best of you are those who are best to their wives." Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your spouse. You have to love what they loves as well. their family, loved ones must also become your loved ones. Also, it is not enough that you them her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offspring.

This is what I look forward to in a marriage. With Allah telling us what we can have in a marriage; how can we expect less? Why would we expect less? Why miss out on the love Allah wants for us......Becasue we are scared we may be hurt......I think I will take my chances.

The big rammble

I was reading Safa's Blog. I loved her recent post, but one thing she wrote got me thinking.
Does the first wife ever really agree. Yes, she may say it, she may THINK she fees it; but when it happens usually her heart changes.

I can speak from my own experiences. I THOUGHT it was going to be ok. I read about it. I prayed about it. We talked about it. However when it happened my heart changed. The first time I made it all day with no problems; but the next week was hard. I kept thinking Why, why did he need this, why did he do this, why me, why, why, why. The thing is we don't know how we will react until we are in it.

So then what is the their wife to do. Yes, she had the blessing but then...........things change. She can not do something haram because of something halal meaning, She can not go to her husband and say divorce me because it is too hard on the other wife..The thing is by then he is Her husband too. ..all she wants is to be happy and love her husband.... she cant be truly happy when someone else is hurting......

So this makes me wonder does she have to agree. Yes, it would make it BETTER, but the fact is does make either of the marriages better if it is short lived. If it was never the truth, not meaning she lied but maybe didn't know........
I do not think the prophet went to all his wife and asked their permission before he married.... It is not up to the wife to change.... it is up to the husband. HE must make her KNOW he still loves her, That he still wants her, needs her, comfort her,..he must make her feel secure...Then then pain wont be as bad. yes, there will be pain......but maybe it wont hurt so much..

Being in this type of relationship is NOT easy. Marriage is not easy when it is just 2 people. When you add in the third........WOW!!!

I don't think there are any real sets of rules because we all need so many different things. We all want different things..........

Love is complicated

When I think of my ex. How that man has even affected my life now.
How last week when I knew my blessing was getting close.
My mind went to him
NOT about how much i wanted him or anything
but how I allowed him to treat me
how i handled things
I started to doubt myself
I started to feel like i was not worthy of this man
a good man
a man with good character
with family values
with a Strong foundation in Islam
with his head on straight
with our personalities so similar
with room in his heart and life for me and my family
with an objective to make me happy
not by making someone else unhappy

When i knew he wanted me I wanted to run
I wanted to block my own blessing
I wanted to revert into my old ways

Because I thought I was over him....but the fact is I will never be over the pain I endured. I will never forget......I will have a permanent scare. Yes, it had healed but the mark is there forever.

So today I sit here writing this so happy
Happy because I now know I am worthy of love and happiness
I do not think I have to suffer for Allah
Not for the whims of a man.
Not when the situation is not right

This is a Huge step for me
not just the marriage but taking the chance again with my heart
The thing is he knows my family and has been a good friend of my Uncle for years. I never met him but they have known each other for years and my Uncle says he know he is a good man and I would be lucky to have him.
you never know the plan of Allah. I went around the world to find happiness that was right in my back yard for years. The thing was I was not ready to receive it. I could not have handled it before now.
I could not have seen him before
my eyes where shut
my heart was closed

Only Allah could fix me. but I had to make the first step
once I did that.the flood gates have opened.
I am happy
I have a god job
my family is happy
I am NOT on pills for anxiety
I was blocking my blessing
I'm grateful for them
I will accept all of them
with an open heart and soul
because I know
things will not always be this good
but after hardship

Saturday, November 17, 2007

A blessing

It seems like forever That I have waited for you
In a world of disappointment On thing is true
God has blessed me
And he’s blessed you too
In a world of lonely people I’ve found you.
We were once strangers
All by ourselves
But here we are And it’s so, so sweet
God must have done this
Made you for me
We were always sleeping
Under the same stars
dreaming dreams of love
Wondering where you are
How blessed I am That I’ve found you
Now that you’re here I pray to say
“I do”

Friday, November 16, 2007

Blessings from ALLAH,swt,

Ash SharhSurah 94. Solace, Consolation, Relief

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

1. Have We not expanded for you your breast?
2. And We removed from you your burden,
3. Which weighed down your back?
4. And We exalted for you your reputation?
5. Then, surely with hardship comes ease:
6. Surely, with hardship comes ease,
7. So when you have finished (with your immediate task), still strive hard, (then toil),
8. And to your Lord turn (all) your attention.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

PM you gonna make me cry

Thank you for the comment. I LOVED IT!!!

What a difference a day makes.
Yesterday I just felt sorry for myself. I just could not believe all this happened. I sat and cried and cried
I think I needed to do that to let everything go
Once i finished

It was gone

All the sadness was gone and my heart felt a Peace that it has NEVER felt.

Things are going well
I am back to my old self
I stuck it out didn't take a pill
and the sadness went away

Then something amazing happened.
it is so wonderful I am still digesting it
So once I wrap my head around it
I will post it

Just know I feel much better
It is wonderful to have friends!!!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

My heart is screaming these words

Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I feel so sad?
Thought I was over youBut I keep crying When I don't love you
So why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you goSo, why does it hurt me soI gotta get you outta my headIt hurts so bad
My life's been better since the day I left you boy
I must admit life's been kind to me
Haven't had much drama since the day that we split boy
My heart's never been more at ease
And when I think of all the things you put me thru
Leaving you has been the best thing for me
Why does it hurt so bad?Why do I feel so sad?

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Have you ever felt..........

This week I feel..............
over joyed
and so much more
How can I feel all this in less than a week.
My emotions have been working overtime
with my job working me hard.
I love it because it keeps my mind off other things
and I also like my job so I feel so good about myself when I do these things
The thing about my job is I am the ONLY person with my title that does not have a masters. I did not have any formal training and I should be just a teacher and even many of them have higher degrees than I do. But, I just get this job. I feel it, Love it, Adore it, This job was from Allah. This job was my blessing. I honestly feel good and for the first time ever feel like this is where I belong.

Then I have my personal
I am thinking about getting a husband just for sex. no emotions involved. I know many people will not agree with this but the fact is I do haev needs and desires but I do not crave the drama that comes along with men. When I think of the crap I went though and many, many, of the people I know or know of; I think why do it. Why put myself in a situation that I might get hurt. I would love to find a person that understands me, will care for me, take care of me, love my kids, and will support me, not with money but emotionally, but money is nice However, I know that this will probably not happen. Yes, I can find a man, but can I find HIM, the one.......the one I really need to help me grow as a Muslim, a woman,a mother, a person? Does he even exist?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!

This morning I woke up and just said ALHUMDUILLAH!!!!! You all do not know how happy it is to wake up free. For the first time in years I am free. Free in my mind, my soul, body, I am just feeling lighter. My burdens are gone and for the first time in a long time I woke up thinking of me on my birthday.

I am so greatful to Allah for this day. I am spending it with my mom. I have not done that in a few years. I pray that Allah makes this a great year for me and my family.

as I am writing this the sun is just about to pop out
I m thinking about all the posibilities this day has for me.
but then i think why just this day
what about my life
I can do anything
I feel like I can live the way I want to live.
This is MY LIFE
Im going for a ride Yall
Lets see where this baby takes me!!!!!!!!

Safa, my birthday buddy.......

I hope you have a day filled with happiness and LOVE
I pray Allah gives you the desires of your heart this year
May he give you all of what you need and some of what you want
May you grow stronger, wiser and happier
Truely for you , My sister, My friend, I want the best.
whatever Allah, not you, thinks is best.
I want you to wake up feeling free, free from all the drama and pain that covers your life
I want for you to LOVE freely and honestly
no more havign to be someone you are not
no more having to settle
no more having to look over at a person you no longer know
I have a bigger prayer
that one day you wake up and see your self and KNOW HER AGAIN!!!
You are the only one that knows what happened here.
You where there for me and I LOVE YOU
Thank you
Habibi, have a wonderful day!!!!
i will eat some cake and think of you